Random 3:30am-ness

Strange night, I'm not exactly sure whats going on here...lol.

I went to a meeting around 630pm, a group for women who had suffered domestic violence. I thought it might be really lame, but it was actually pretty cool, and I ended up being the youngest one in a group of about 8 people. During my drive back home, at around 8 o'clock, I started realizing something. That I am pretty lucky that I don't have to talk to my ex every single day, and that's part of why I seem so strong now, and that if he were to pop back up I would probably loose my mind. So, this is something I need to work on, and that I plan on bringing up next week.

By the time I pulled in the driveway, I was dizzy I think from it all. That, and having had a bunch of caffeine and no dinner yet. Either way, I went to lay down almost immediately. Laid in bed de-stressing and watching shows on my computer until I feel asleep probably around 11pm.

At 3:30 in the morning, I woke up coughing, and it wasn't one of those coughs where you can just fall back asleep. Not 2 minutes later, I hear stuff going on upstairs. My mom has Zoe, by dog, by the front door (which is right above the stairs from the basement) and shes barking like she sees something or someone (dog not mom just to clarify...lol). She lets her outside and she continues barking at something then seems to stop. I don't know if she chased someone or something off or what was going on. The only info I got from my mom since she was half asleep was something about a light being on in the garage, and her falling asleep. I didn't understand why she was then letting all the dogs outside at 3:30 in the morning to go to the bathroom when I swear I heard her take them out right before I had fallen asleep. I guess its something I will have to ask her later on...lol.

So, its about 5:30 now. I took a neb treatment, grabbed one of my pain pills that I have not really been needing that had been prescribed to me in the past for cough reasons, then finally found some delsum and that stuff seems to be working, finally. Right as I was about to fall back asleep, of course, baby woke up. Not crying, not upset, not fussy, just relaxed and calm. 'Wise'. I laid down next to him for a second, and he put his hand in my hand, and then he patted me on the head. For about 5 minutes I swear he wasn't an 8 month old...lol. But now hes hugging his stuffed animal dog toy music box thing and is falling back to sleep. Seriously, this kid is amazing, and I love being a mom.

Well, that was a random blog post...lol.

Cubital Tunnel Surgery

Hey everyone...

SO, I just got surgery on Tuesday morning. Its got a variety of names for it. Cubital Tunnel, Cubital Tunnel release, Ulnar Entrapment Surgery, and so on.

Really, here was the problem.

Starting when I was about 17 years old, all of a sudden, I started having a lot of what turned out to be nerve pain in my right arm, and then sometimes it would go numb. It would also swell up, and sometimes I lost complete use of my arm for 20-30 minutes at a time. I ended up having a spell of time where I couldn't even hold my bass bow properly. Then, the same issues started with my left arm. I tried sleeping with braces on my arms and that didn't help.

Over time, the pain stopped and just turned into numbness. I have some sensation but not a whole lot from my elbow, down the outside of my arm, into my hand and my pinky and half of my ring finger. But, another problem popped up because caused by this problem...my muscles started to degenerate, and I was told here was no way I would be able to continue to play music in about 10 years if I didn't get this done, and you can't wait until its really bad and expect the best recovery.

So, the way the surgery goes, is 95% of the time its an endoscopic procedure. Little camera in there, and release the tissue away from around the ulnar nerve (your 'funny bone' nerve). In my case, I was told there was a lot of scar tissue that looked to be from repetitive motion (made sense to me!). If after the surrounding tissue is removed, and it looks like things have become too lose or something else was causing the issue, they then actually move the nerve to the inside of your arm. (This is what I was DREADING was going to happen with me...luckily, it didn't).

So, the whole thing went pretty well. They drugged me so full of valium before even taking me to the OR that I guess it caused amnesia (so said the anestesiologist), and according to my mom I was awake with a big smile on my face when they wheeled me away (I don't remember a thing). The first thing I remember waking up was I had nerve pain in my hand. Which sucked, but was awesome at the same time.

So, I'm pretty banged up and bruised at the moment. That said, I also just HAD to see the stitches in my arm, so I took a look and a picture (for the brave, its posted with a warning on my 'pages' on the right hand side here). I am kind of curious about these stitches, they are like nothing I have ever seen before, and seems like its going to scar pretty bad. I mean, 3 stitches for like 2 inches is kind of strange, no?

This whole experience has also kind of made me been thinking a bit more about my future. I know I wanted to go into something to do with health care thanks to my grandfather helping me out. I was leaning towards nursing, but nursing is so varied and I didn't know which way to go with it (only knew which ways I DIDN'T want to go with it)...but I'm thinking that nursing with something to do with surgery would be pretty awesome.

Hes a Genius!

yep..thats right..cole is a genius...lol.

So, maybe all babies do this kind of thing...but to me it was pretty awesome.

A present I got for Cole was the Leap Frog Musical Table and he loves this thing.

There is a whole variety of stuff to do on it. And one of the things it has, is this little hinge with a compartment inside. The compartment is not huge, but its big enough to stick some small things in there. I took a pig from his Iplay Tractor, and put it inside the compartment.

He opened it up...took the pig out...looked at it...and then put it back in and closed the lid. He did this a couple of times in a row...then went to picking up one of the smaller green mega bloks...and i thought hey...let me stick this on in there.

I put it in...shut the lid...he opened it immediately, took it, and threw it a couple feet across the room...and went back to playing with the pig....haha.

He has also been really into sharing recently. If he has a toy he likes he will hand it to me and start laughing, and then i give it back to him. He is just such a cutie!

facebook friends

I'm starting to wonder whats going on with my facebook friends. Now...I have a huge friends list....and its not just all random people (I will admit, there are probably about 5 or so). All of these friends are from either school where I grew up (large district with two high schools), or the boarding school I went to in Michigan (where you get to know everyone since you live together) Or people from the college I went to, or other colleges in the same city. From music festivals. From when I lived in North Carolina for 3 years. And a great group of women from a due in april 2010 mom group.

Now yea, some of these people were just added because we knew each others name and never really talked much. Or were just friendly in, lets say, a school setting but didnt hang out outside of that.

Now, I'm all for privacy controls when it comes to facebook. If you are reading this, you probably know this about me...since I am unsearchable, and even have a fake name. But recently I am starting to wonder something.

Why do you keep me as a friend, or add me as a friend, when in your privacy settings the visibility of the profile is the same as if we were NOT facebook friends.

This might sound like someones over the top over analyzing facebook rant, but I really am curious about it. There is no opportunity to be 'friendly' when you can't leave someone a comment. Why don't you just delete me?

Sorry, this post came about when I went to wish someone a happy birthday...and couldn't.

Dermatologist

I finally went to see a dermatologist yesterday. Finally. And, for those who don't know...here is the deal.

In 2007, I started losing my skin. By the end of 2007...I had lost about 90% of it. And yes, it was as painful and disgusting as it sounds. And, the main treatment for skin stuff like this is steroids. Unfortunately, I have a very high sensitivity to steroids. (I have asthma, and can't even take a controller medicine). I swell. It starts to make me crazy. It makes my blood sugar crazy. Really, the worst part is the swelling. 2 or 3 days worth of steroids is equal to at least 5 pounds of water weight...by the 4th day everything starts hurting because of the swelling. By the 5th day I start acting loony, and my blood sugar goes wacky.

So, because of this, and the fact that what ended up causing my skin condition in the first place was because of a white blood cell issue (eosinophils, the type of white blood cells that are produced to combat allergens, are way to prevalent in my blood stream, and malformed) I also started on oral chemotherapy, for psoriaform atopic dermatitis, with eosinophils.

That medicine made me feel like crap...my hair totally thinned out...I've had 3 teeth pulled since then, 2 more to go. 2 root canals. I never threw up on it, but always had this underlying nausea. So, in Feb of 2009 I just stopped taking the stuff. I very very slowly started showing a few symptoms...but it all went away when I got pregnant with Cole in July. Stayed completely gone until a few months after he was born.

Then it started coming back on my finger. It spread, took over my whole entire finger, and then spread to the rest of my right hand. I finally made an appointment at the dermatologists office (new one) and saw my primary care doc before I could even get in there to try to

{WARNING...DONT READ THE NEXT TWO SENTENCES IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH LIKE MY MOM...AND UM...MOM YEA THAT GOES FOR YOU...LOL}

save my nail from falling off. I had lost all the skin on my right ring finger..and this thing was spreading under my nail, swelling, and pushing my nail off.

So, again, as I said, I went to the dermatologist. I have been to a lot of doctor's offices, and I must say, this was my worst experience yet. It was bad from the phone call I made to even make the appointment. The receptionist was having a side conversation with someone else in the office while we were trying to schedule the appointment. The same person is checking me in while on her cell phone with a boyfriend or something when I go to my appointment. The nurse didn't listen to anything I had to say. "Oh, so, you are here worried about your eczema huh?" Yea...wonderful.

I'm in the room waiting, hoping that the doc isn't as bad as the rest of the office...and...she was.

She gave me the third degree from the beginning. She asks if I was using the cream she gave me, and I said no. And I was confused. What cream? Turns out I saw her back in the beginning of 2007, but I don't remember her at all....and I don't know why I would have seen her anyways when I was living in NC...but I probably had a skin infection or something is all I can gather. She asks me why, and I tell her I don't remember any cream. She asks if I still have it. ??? Random cream from 4 years ago? No.

Moving on, I tell her about my sensitivity to steroids. She doesn't believe me?

Doc "how do you know your blood sugar is low when you take steroids, I have never heard of that before, and I treat diabetics"

Me "I'm not diabetic, I'm hypoglycemic"

Doc "how do you know your blood sugar is low"

Me " I have had hypoglycemia for years"

Doc "but how do you KNOW"

Me "I have a glucose monitor"

Doc "Then what was your blood sugar when you last took the steroids"

Me "I don't know, it just felt low, I have had this for a while I can tell if its low or not without checking"

Doc "so you DONT know...when was the last time you checked it"

Me "I don't know...about 10 days ago?"

Doc "What was it then"

Me "I don't know its in the memory of meter"

She goes on, to say she wants to speak with my endocrinologist, and leaves the room. She wants to ask her about my steroids stuff and my blood sugar, because she doesn't believe me. I tell her thats fine, but really MY main concern with steroids, is the swelling factor.

She comes back, and goes on and on about how she couldn't get her on the phone....and the way she was speaking to me....seemed like she thought I was trying to pull one over on her...like...my endo doesn't really exist....and thats why she couldn't be connected to them, or given their cell phone number...and instead was put through to a voice mail...it was really strange.

She says she doesn't want to give me a steroid cream, because she wants to hear back from my endo first. (Um...did she not hear the part about me not wanting to use steroids?) She says theres another cream which might work that doesn't have steroids in it. She writes a prescription. Then she tells me "just to warn you, its a black label prescription, so I just wanted to know before you go to get it" When I ask her what that means, she says that the FDA has stated that is causes SKIN CANCER..but she doesn't agree with it, so she uses it anyways.

Skin Cancer.

If It was a doctor I trusted and liked who told me that...I might have used it anyways after doing some research on it....but this doctor is crazy and there is no way I'm taking her word for it that it won't give me cancer.

I call my primary care office, and ask for a referral to a different dermatologist. They cannot give me one, unless this doctors office releases the rest of the visits through my insurance company...and I got the impression from the receptionist, who took my phone call about needed the release sent back to the insurance company as a personal insult, that it won't be happening any time soon.

I guess having skin on my hand isn't very important to these people huh.

Swaddle cures all! lol

Swaddling. One of the first forms of 'clothing' Cole had to keep him warm when he was first born. After a few weeks though, it became obvious that the reason he really liked the swaddling was not the tightness of it, as much as it was that it was keeping him really warm...and then the baby clothes started to take over that function. For his first few months, he would nap like a champ. It was only when he started sleeping through the night, that his daytime naps seemed almost non-existent. He would only have about 2 or 3 that lasted anywhere from 15 to 30 minutes....and it was always a fight to get him to sleep in the first place.

So, about a week ago, when he was once again fighting his sleep to go to bed for the night (squirming then rubbing his eyes then squirming then fussing then taking the pacifier out of his mouth then crying because it was no longer in his mouth and so on) I just swaddled him. He was asleep in about 60 seconds. So, I tried swaddling him when he got tired for his naps too. Now, he will take 2 naps a day for anywhere between and hour and two hours. Its kind of amazing.

The only problem, is that there are not receiving blankets for 7 month olds, who are already 23 pounds and nearly 30 inches tall. So, just swaddling his arms seems to work fine...and he loves it. It calms him down right away.

Its funny how things like that change....where he used to care less about being swaddled and now he loves it....and its awesome for him to get some much needed sleep during the day. He also goes to bed at 9 now, instead of midnight!

Rice?

It might be a rice allergy that Cole has. Of course, its one of the only things NOT checked off on those little boxes when he got his blood tests done last friday, and our next appointment is not until February.

Heres the deal. Rice was his third food (stopped pears kinda early because of throwing up...but i'm thinking its a sweetness/reflux issue). He showed no signs of anything bad with the rice, besides just plain not liking the stuff. Same reaction to the earth's best kind, as the brown rice super pourage kind. Doesn't like it. Let me also add, that during the time of adding rice to his diet, he had a constant runny nose, and cough. (he still has a runny nose and cough now but its not as bad as it was). So, next I started feeding him green beans and rice (earth's best kind). He had that pretty much as a staple, mixed with a little sweet potato. I started to notice, that after every time he ate he started to get stuffy. But that was it.

At some point, I introduced apples into his diet. On this day, he got a rash on his face. The next day too...so...I stopped the apples. I also stopped using the boogie wipes that I had just gotten as well, and thought its either the apples I was feeding him, or the boogie wipes on his face. I stopped both of them. Then, two days ago, without thinking, I used one on his sippy cup. He had apricots, and again, I was thinking, either apricots or boogie wipes.

Yesterday, the only foods he ate were sweet potato, and apricot. No face rash.

So, this morning, I mix his rice cereal with some prunes so he will eat it (I know that prunes are ok). He has a rash on his face. Hes really sneezy. Yes, he was kinda sneezy when he woke up today too...but...I think something is going on here.

It doesn't seem that rice is causing him a noticeable digestive issue, but this rash thing on his face is kind of alarming.

An allergy to rice, could either be a really good thing, or a really bad thing. Rice is something that I eat constantly, and is even part of an elimination diet when breast feeding...and a lot of you reading this will know, I had to stop breast feeding because he was still allergic to something in my diet. If hes ONLY allergic to rice...and nothing else...then we can figure out ways around this...just like with other foods you have to eliminate. But, if for some reason, its rice on top of everything else? Yea..we're kinda screwed.

If it is rice, and I'm just wrong about the prunes.

I wish there was a way to get him to eat the stuff without adding anything to it.

Cole eating food

Cole ate food!!

Yay! Happy half birthday little man!!
This is what he looked like BEFORE he ate food...lol
I first steamed a bunch of sweet potatoes, then pureed most of them with some of his formula. The rest I mashed or cut into little pieces.
I don't know how much he really liked it, it looks to be like not much, but it was fun:) I somehow posted a video from youtube and I think it ended up in a different post, and for some reason blogger isn't letting me add more photos at the moment, but I will try later:)

hm..

Well, I have gone back and forth for months now about writing something about this, because if I don't write it exactly right, its going to come off wrong and people are going to get angry with me, which is not my intention. So, I'm going to go ahead, and attempt to write this exactly right...lol.

I am sick and tired, of not being treated the way I feel I should be treated a lot of the time. Ok, and that may have come off wrong, so let me explain.

If you have siblings, you know how when you are younger and growing up, you get into fights a lot about this or that, or do things purposefully to make your other sibling angry...I mean, generic kid stuff. It happens. But, doesn't it have to come to a point, at some time, when those things change? When its NOT ok to keep doing that? Or, am I supposed to just take it, just because its my sister? I mean, of course its not all of the time. Sometimes shes great, helps watch Cole like she did last night when I had a concert, or if I have a doctor's appointment that I can't bring him with me to. But, what I am not ok with, is when she is in a bad mood, for her to feel that it is OK to take that bad mood out of me. How sometimes, she will storm through the room, completely ignoring me while I'm with Cole. I can ask her a question and she can just keep on walking. Now, right now Cole is too young to understand, but what is he going to think in like a year? I also do not appreciate hearing lies, and hearing fake sympathy for others. The type of person who causes issues, but then does everything they can to forget about the bad things they have done, because if they keep thinking about the bad things they keep doing they feel really bad, but never address what makes them do those bad things, and in turn, don't apologize or let themselves even feel remorse for them.

I don't like turning into the bad person, because I ask, after not asking for 3 days, for my sister to clean up the piles of dishes of hers in the kitchen. I don't think that should turn me into the bad guy, especially when I am going out of my way to try to sound upbeat and un-naggy.

Also, I would so much rather be told, 'i'm in a bad mood and I don't want to talk' or 'I don't want to tell you', instead of being lied to and/or ignored.

My mom does not want to be in the middle of all of this, but, she puts herself there. And I'm not sure why, because the whole time she does it, she says she doesn't want to. And, because (and we all know this) my sister tends to only tell half of the story about anything, and because of course my mom doesn't not have all of the info, I get the a lot of her coming to me jumping to conclusions without all of the facts. I have brought this up to her, saying that it hurts me, and yet it still seems to happen. Frequently.

I'm not exactly sure what I am supposed to do now. But, honestly, I'm sick of feeling hurt a lot.

Recently, I put up a facebook status talking about being sick of being lied to. I had overheard my mother ask my sister if some guy was not a good guy, and that was it. I asked my mom what that was about, concerned, and she immediately got defensive and told me it was not her place and to ask her myself. So, I did. My sister tried to act like she had no idea what I was talking about...and then kept walking out of the room mostly ignoring me completely. If she had just said she didn't want to tell me about it, fine...its the way she goes about it...like the way she always does, that bothers me. Hence, my facebook status.

But, I end up getting a message from my mother telling me how its out of line, and completely defensive.

I end up having to clarify a facebook status!

Then she says she doesn't want to be in the middle of it.

The middle of what? You don't? Then why did I get this message.

This is just the same cycle that keeps happening....about every tiny little thing.

I don't want to act childish and say 'no, i'm not talking to my sister any more'....but honestly, I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. I want respect, and if I don't get respect, I don't want to keep dealing with someone who can continuously be rude to me, and I don't want to put up with it any more. And, every time I stick up for myself, in whatever way I choose to, I get reprimanded by a third party who doesn't want to be in the middle.

What do I do? Any suggestions welcome...

Sleeping

So, sleep seems to be a topic that comes up I think from the most people since Cole has been born, with advice from his doctor, nurse practitioner, my mom, friends, and so on. I would first like to start out by saying that everyone should do what they feel is right for their child. You know your child better than anyone.

I have been told by a lot of people that its ok to let him cry. My doctor seemed to be more so just telling me its alright if its what I choose to do, and the nurse practioner was suggesting I do it. My mom has told me that it is important to get him to the point where he can calm himself, and get himself to sleep without my help.

Now, I agree with my moms point of view. I think it is important, that he gets to a point where falling asleep by himself can be done. With this in mind, I will put him in his crib for naps, or down to bed for the night in his nap nanny when he is tired and try to get him to go to sleep by himself. He has done it and can do it. What I will not do, and can't bring myself to do, is to just let him full on cry. Sometimes he just goes to sleep quietly, and others he kind of 'sings' himself to sleep, vocalizing and making raspberry sounds. Sometimes, he does a fake cry for about 15 seconds. Thats different. But, I just can't bring myself to just let him cry it out, and I know a lot of people use this method.

The reason? I'm not convinced its ok for him. I have read some things (and of course I won't be able to find the exact links right now) that have said that crying it out doesn't have any scientific backing that it is ok for a baby's mental state, and that a lot of babies who have 'learned' to not cry and get themselves to sleep that way, have actually become kind of depressed. (Not all, some). I know I wouldn't want my baby crying thinking "mommy doesn't want to come get me, she doesn't care that I'm crying, so I guess I'll just deal with it myself even though I'm not even 6 months old".

I know that if hes crying, he wants me for some reason or another. Either because his teeth hurt, because he has a little cold, because he wants SOMETHING. So, I'm going to provide that for him. That doesn't mean, that what I choose to do now, isn't going to change later on. If I'm ok with him needing me a lot when hes sleeping/getting to sleep now, and if I'm ok with co-sleeping still now, that does not mean that its going to be the same thing when he is a teenager. I've been asked the question of 'when'. Well, when I feel hes ready, and I feels he actually has more of an understanding than he does now.

When it comes to co-sleeping, if it gets to the point where its possible for him to try to get up and crawl and fall off of the bed while I'm sleeping, then thats when hes going to start sleeping in his crib. I don't know when that is going to be, so I can't place a label on that.

When it comes to him crying, if he is able to walk around and its obvious that his crying for me to help him get to sleep, or him not wanting to sleep, is somewhere along the lines of a temper tantrum, thats also a different story.

I know full well that this means I'm getting a whole lot less sleep then a lot of people out there, but I'm ok with what. I am hoping that this among other things I do, is what is helping my son to be such a happy silly baby most of the time too (and the biggest flirt in the grocery store!)

time off...

Hey! So, obviously, I took some time off of here...hehe. Actually, there was some stuff going on around the house that was making me kind of crazy, so I thought I might end up over at wordpress since you can password protect certain blogs. So, I created one, and wrote, and then I felt better, and didn't see a need to continue there. Only problem? Forgot to come back here, but, SARAH, I promised, so here I am...lol.

I have a lot to catch up on!

Cole and I went on our first road trip. We went to northern VA/DC area to see an interlochen friend of mine, her husband and their adorable little baby. It was so much fun! She taught cole how to push up with his arms when we were there too! From there we went to NYC for only a couple of hours to see Jen, who was my roommate when I lived there, and it was amazing because I had not seen her in forever! We stopped in NJ that night, and then continued on back to upstate NY the next day. All in all it was about 1000 miles of driving.

About a week ago, Cole finally learned how to roll over from tummy to back, and has since become an expert..lol. He still doesn't try to crawl anywhere, but if you pick up his back legs he will push up with his arms.

Tonight, we ended up at the ER. Cole had been wheezing only when he was coughing, or right before he would cough...and with my asthma being so terrible it was alarming. Luckily, its just a bad cough and continuation of a head cold, and does not have the wheezing in his lungs. But today while in there, he sat by himself for about 3 or 4 minutes straight. Its kind of strange that he went from not even trying to move anywhere, to doing so much in such a short amount of time!

He turns 6 months old on the 28th, and we will start solid foods that day as well, starting with sweet potatoes, that I am going to make myself:)

And now, the not so happy news I guess. The 28th also marks the end of my restraining order, and, there have been some strange car happenings the last few days...like being followed out of thin air, and cars parked or standing next to the house only to drive away if you go out there. Kind of alarming. I had kind of hoped, that since my ex was in a relationship that would also help with the him staying away part, kind of like his mind is occupied somewhere else. But, it seems, as of tonight, through what I like to think of as my spying to make sure we stay safe, it seems that their relationship has ended, which, has prompted me to take some drastic online measures.

My screen name that I had used for everything, and I mean everything, I think might be pretty well known to him. I mean, if you type it into google, everything pops up. (I have tried searching for this blog on google, but can't find it so I am feeling pretty safe about that, if anyone sees differently please let me know). I also had my facebook as private as possible and he was blocked, but to further discourage interaction, and since pages I posted on on facebook were not private and searchable through google, I came up with a new random name. One he wouldn't think to ever search for. I have also used that name to come up with a new email address, and new cafemom screen name. I'm going to use it as well for new things like a youtube account. This may seem drastic and crazy to some, but I won't have my restraining order any more, because I have no basis to renew it. Its my hope, that if he tries to find any information related to me, that he will then be unsuccessful and maybe then give up.

So yes, I promise more updates more often! Have a great night everyone:)

clothes clothes and more clothes!

Today was a day filled with shopping! (and this post is going to be filled with rambling about clothes, because its 530 in the morning!) It wasn't supposed to be. It was supposed to be a quick trip to macys. I wanted white t-shirts in the 6-9 month size. Or just some plain regular t-shirts that were not white. I'm really kind of lazy sometimes with the whole snapping of the onsie on the bottom thing...and thought it would just be easier to just have a t shirt instead. (we have had a few of them, and I love em). There were also some shirts that I have had this summer, that have a little collar, and have little shorts kind of with them. I love those because they are all in one, and if he doesn't spit up...they are really practical for the whole day if i'm in the house or out of the house. (I feel wrong taking my baby out of the house in ONLY a onsie...just because I think people would stare at me and wonder why my baby was not wearing pants or shorts....and I also feel that people would look at me funny if he was just wearing a sleeper. He doesn't like to wear pants/shorts a ton..but sure looks cute in them!).

I think I am having so much fun with this shopping though...because I get to choose everything myself. Most of my newborn and 0-3 month clothes, were given to me by my next door neighbors cousin, whos son was 4 months old when Cole was born. It was really nice of them. Without me going out and spending a ton of money on clothes, I got a little variety of each kind of thing...and got to see what worked well for me and what didn't...and what things I would never use. Cole probably wore normal socks twice. They wouldn't stay on. The hats wouldn't stay on either. I also completely fell in love with the fleece sleepers. Amazing. I had one newborn sized one and another 0-3 month one. Anyways, some of the clothes were just not my style at all. And, if they were not from the woman who gave me the clothes, they were from other family members (all of the clothes from my sister Brenda were amazing though!). Point being, that I didn't get to really pick out a wardrobe for him.
3-6 month size clothes, came brand new (still some used from the same woman), from everyone in the neighborhood and family members AFTER he was born...and they were all pretty amazing. A neighbor on the other side of the house, bought Cole a ton of little outfits (t shirts and shorts, and those onsie short sleeves with shorts things i mentioned) and they were all things I would have probably bought had i seen them in the store. I got to do some shopping too for some clothes, but admittedly, I purchased more things for him that would be 'fun' to wear...more than stuff i would just use every day. (I got him a little set with a onsie, soft pants and a matching hoodie...I love hoodies...but its summer...and I havn't had him outside on a cold night yet...I bought him two pairs of jean shorts...one pair he wears because they are soft...the other he hasn't worn once..and so on)
So, starting with the 6-9 month size of clothes, I get to really pick it all...hehe. Ok, So I'm going to get back to the whole shopping today part again!
I went to Macys, and started looking at the sales racks....for the baby tshirts I wanted. I found a colared tshirt on sale, then of course saw cute button up shirts and jeans and had to buy those in the 12 month size. I wanted to get a sleeper in the 6-9 month size, but I didn't LOVE any of the ones in that store. I found a pack of onsies, that were plain, in colors I liked, but they didn't have them in 6-9 month (so i got them in 12 month). Since we were in the mall (it was me, my mom, and Cole) I asked her if it would be ok to go into another store real quick. (we were only supposed to stop at one, because she was then supposed to meet her friend over at home depot for a very important carpet buying decision...lol). She said sure...so we went to bon ton. Their clothing selection was very limited....but they did end up having a very cute hooded sweatshirt for 40% off. As well as a white long sleeved onsie in that kind of long underwear/thermal kind of fabric. Still on my search for a white t shirt...my mom took the car around to the other side of the mall to JC Penny...as I walked over there with Cole. Found some more stuff...like a fleece sleep sack for ages 0-9 months. Awesome way to keep Cole's legs warm for the baby who doesn't like to wear pants..and kicks off blankets as a hobby. All of the sales racks were filled...with hardly anything in the 6-9 month size. Got some long sleeved white onsies for 6-9 months. After this, my mom walked over to home depot. I went on to lord and taylor. Their selection was only as big as bon-tons...but wow everything was expensive. This was the first store that had a winter jacket I liked for Cole...so I got it...and it ended up being 40% off at the check out counter. They had an amazingly cute snow suit, but the size would have been too small....maybe this is something I could find at goodwill (family friend gave Cole an LL Bean tobagin/sled thing as a present for the winter...I can't wait to use this thing like crazy and don't want him to get cold!). I even stopped in gymborie...nothing. So, I went to Sears. Sears, by far, had more of what I was looked for. The onsie shirt/shorts things on a huge sale. Had some t-shirts with prints on them but they came with shorts (so i didn't buy them). They had joe boxer fleece sleepers on sale for 40% off (I swear all the cold weather stuff was 40% off today...while all the winter weather stuff was at least 60%). I got FOUR of them, in the 12 month size (can always move up in the sleeper sizes quicker...a few of his 3-6 month sleepers are a little small now).
So, after going to 6 stores and buying things in 5 of them...I had a lot of clothes. I thought to myself how strange I must have looked. I was wearing a 10 dollar dress from old navy, that I had previously tripped over since i'm short that had a rip on the bottom....and I could care less. I HATE shopping for myself. But shopping for Cole is so much fun!
I tried to line things up, with the rate he has been growing. I also have no idea when the weather gets cold up here. When I was younger I can remember being in fall clothes in september...but now I think it may stay warm up here until october.
The sad thing is though, that this isn't the first time I have bought 6/9 month clothes or 12 month clothes. I bought some a couple of weeks ago too (but not a lot).

my health

I have had a kinda crazy health history....In high school I used to be thin/average weight, in good shape and in pretty good health. When i was 16/17/18 I started getting sick more often. Gained weight very quickly as well, due to a sensitivity to steroids as well as hypothyroid. When I was 18 and still in high school, my ulnar nerves in my arm('funny bone') started not working so well. I would drop things (like my bow), I would get shooting nerve pain, then pins and needles, then numbness. When I was 18 in college I got strep throat/tonsilitis. I was on antibiotics for almost 8 months straight, until I got surgery in June of 2004 to remove my tonsils and part of my throat. (Had to get rid of the infection somehow if CIPRO wasn't working...) That experience was seriously on par with childbirth (I can't actually say that now!). My mental state went completely down hill...I was sick all the time. I stopped school...started living between my moms house and my then boyfriends apartment in new york city still...and got some much needed mental care. Got working out every day, which made me feel a whole lot better....and I made the choice to move back to New York City and take some classes. I ended up back in music school again, and did pretty well that year. I, of course, got sick more often than most people, but I made it through. I was engaged by the end of that school year, and we moved down to North Carolina. I had auditioned and gotten in to a cheaper school, only to find out I needed to take 5 more classes at a community college to really transfer. (difference in requirements between conservatory, and a state school with a music program). I finished about a month of school there, until I started getting really sick. My breathing was terrible. I kept getting broncitis, and then developed pneumonia. My oxygen levels were low, and I ended up in the hospital. I started getting rashes a lot, that would turn into a staph infection before I even moved to North Carolina...but they were very localized. Now, they seemed to be taking up more of my body. About the third time in a nearly a year, I was admitted to the hospital again for breathing, to shock the medical staff that at that point, I had lost nearly all of the first layer of my skin on my body (except half of my face). I ended up getting an awesome dermatologist, and got a diagnosis of pserioform atopic dermatitis with eosinophils. Eosinophils, are a type of white blood cell that combats allergies. The answer to lowering this number of white blood cell in my body and getting my skin back? Oral chemotherapy medicine. I was so tired all of the time. About 3/4 of my hair fell out...and what was left was so thin I cut it...and it stopped growing. My teeth got HORRIBLE. Falling apart. My eyes were sunken in and I looked tired all of the time. I started this medicine in 2007. In February of 2009, I stopped this medicine...I was sick of it. Slowly I started to feel a little bit better. A little bit more energy. In July I was pregnant with Cole. In August, I saw a show called mystery diagnosis, on discovery health channel. I saw a woman, who kept getting sick all of the time. Infection after infection. She started having nerve problems. She got a rash on her entire body. She kept getting pneumonia. They found out, she had a high amount of eosinophils in a lung bioposy. She was diagnosed with a condition, called Churg-Strauss.

http://www.cssassociation.org/about_the_syndrome.asp

Just looking at the list of symptoms...I have about enough already, that would give me this diagnosis. But, other tests, could not be done during pregnancy.

During my pregnancy, I was hospitilized once for breathing issues. Besides that, I went nearly 9 months without having an infection. I never knew that was possible. My eosinophil levels were in normal range. Pregnancy is amazing when it comes to issues like this. Its classic for auto immune issues to go into remission when you are pregnant. Within two months of giving birth, I had already been on 4 rounds of antibiotics (2 rounds for tooth infections, and got 2 pulled, one for broncitis and one for pneumonia), 2 rounds of steroids for breathing, (and I am very sensitive to steroids). Just yesterday, I started on my 5th round of antibiotics since Cole was born, for what again? Broncitis. And, another round of steroids (and, due to my sensitivity, have already gained 6 pounds...the swelling hurts...but it dramatically helps my breathing).

I saw a pulmonary doctor for the first time up here at the very end of July. I told him, that I did not have a diagnosis of churg-strauss syndrome, but it was something I was trying to work on getting a diagnosis of with my primary care doctor (I just want a yes or no...something has been going on for years...and I just want to know WHAT it is). He gave me yet another inhaled steroid to try (lasted 2 and a half days til the symptoms i knew i couldn't put up with forever), and did some more allergy blood work. Found out I am really really really allergic to dogs...doesn't help when I'm with 4 of em. I saw him again on the 13th, and I am a candidate for a new drug called Xolair. It works directly to attack the IgE levels in the blood...the levels that respond to certain allergins like dogs, cats, dust, mold...all of that stuff. He has had a lot of success with this drug, but it does come with some serious possible side effects. For example, I will be required to carry an epi pen around with me at all times. I could go into shock. I need to get this shot every two weeks, and can only do it in a doctors office. When I move and don't have animals, I can go to every month.

I was doing some more reading about it, and found out that it has a .5% chance of causing cancer. Lovely.
And then I see something that is kind of shocking on the Xolair website, in the perscribing info...having to do with this little known churg strauss syndrome of all things...

"5.5 Eosinophilic Conditions
In rare cases, patients with asthma on therapy with Xolair may present with serious systemic eosinophilia sometimes presenting with clinical features of vasculitis consistent with Churg-Strauss syndrome, a condition which is often treated with systemic corticosteroid therapy. These events usually, but not always, have been associated with the reduction of oral corticosteroid therapy. Physicians should be alert to eosinophilia, vasculitic rash, worsening
pulmonary symptoms, cardiac complications, and/or neuropathy presenting in their patients. A causal association between Xolair and these underlying conditions has not been established."

So, I might have Churg-Strauss, or something very close to it...but if I don't...I could just take this medicine and get it anyways. Hm. It doesn't say anything about the safety of this medicine if I DO have this though. Churg-Strauss is grim enough, without having to make it WORSE. (In the most recent study on life expectancy, only half of the people in the study lived past 10 years after diagnosis..problem being that the eosinophils attack the entire body, including major organs, thinking its something your body is allergic to. You are literally allergic to yourself)

I just want to know whats going on here. By now, I don't have any feeling from my elbows down into my hands on one side of my arm, and don't feel my pinky finger or half of my ring finger. I have muscle degeneration already on my right hand. I was told, that if I don't get surgery to move the nerve into the inside of my arm, I won't have enough dexterity to continue to be a musician in 10 years. I also started getting neuropathy in my legs, and got an MRI a few months back that I find out about on Friday.
I have lymphdonopathy...which is a fancy way of saying enlarged lymph nodes...that stay large.
My eosinophil count in my blood is already double 'normal' levels again...and the rash is started to show itself again on my right hand and on my head. I don't know what my level is on my skin now.
Still, I am having infection after infection after infection...and more serious breathing issues than I ever had growing up with asthma. I have gotten pneumonia way too many times in my life.
I have had heart issues, that seemed to get better while on the oral chemotherapy, most notably, pitted edema in my legs. Pitting edema is most commonly caused by two things. Either a) high sodium level (mine has actually been low or low normal every single blood test I have gotten) and b) a heart valve issue (I have a slight mitral valve prolapse, but nothing that could cause edema. A less common answer for it, is a vasculitis condition, which churg-strauss is.
All of these, are symptoms of Churg-Strauss syndrome. I just have not found anyone to put together the pieces yet. And now, I am freaking out, because I really want to breath. I cannot remember the last time I didn't wheeze...or was able to take a full breath.

All of these things, are going to effect Cole. I need to make my decisions with him in mind. He needs a mama who can breath...so I can play outside with him. He needs a mom who isn't sick all of the time. I need to figure this whole thing out...and its still just some huge waiting game...with doctors not really communicating with each other.

Doctor day

So, we went to see his GI specialist today. He was 15 pounds, 6 ounces....and they said 24 inches....but he was 24 inches a month ago and its obvious to the naked eye he has grown since then...so who knows...lol.

I'm thinking of renaming my blog to the amazing adventures of baby poop. No, not really..but...seems fitting for the moment lol.

He has been on only neocate junior for a little while now...but...on saturday the little things of mucus I was still seeing that I thought were just still happening from breast milk...are obviously now happening again. There was blood again. I mean..come oonnn now. How can he really be allergic to hypoallergenic protein free formula? Really? So, there is one more to try. Its called elecare...also prescription but this one is from the makers of similiac I guess. We will see how this goes. He might be doomed to pooping mucus out of his butt forever it seems like...I am so at a loss. She also thinks his screaming might be muscle cramps...but I dunno what to do for that? (He does this thing...where out of no-where...he screams and cries like he is seriously in pain...and then is fine in about 30 seconds to a minute...I have no idea what to do for him). Also, since he seems to be spitting up more than usual while taking the zantac, he is being switched over to a different medicine for his reflux. (when he doesn't take the medicine he isn't spitting up as much anymore...but you can hear him spitting up into his mouth and swollowing it...and it effects his voice...sounds really raspy).

I'm just kind of at a loss right now though....mostly because on saturday...when I looked at his diaper...it looked EXACTLY like the diapers he had before we even did the switch to formula. Exactly. So I was thinking maybe it wasn't food allergies. Thinking we did all of this for nothing...and its really something else. She said today though, that this is the only thing it sounds like. If he doesn't tollerate the elecare, I am going to be doing my own research of things to bring up to see what she says about it.

poor baby

Its the end

Well, I think its the end of my 'breast feeding' days...and it has me pretty sad. Its gotten to a point where If I do continue..its going to get kind of crazy. With my last blog..I thought maybe he was doing well with it. My mom changed a diaper when she was watching him...and said it didn't look good. Then the next few were mucus. This is without dairy, or soy, or corn, or eggs, or tomatoes. Then, starting two days ago...a skin reaction started. I had read, that baby acne can be caused by a hormonal reaction, and also by a food reaction. Well, he had baby acne..and it went away. But now...he has spots all over his face and his chest. He even looked like for a few hours that he might have been getting a tiny case of hives. The next step would have been cutting out rice...if that didn't work...then wheat or gluten...and I have been going at this for what seems like so long. I hate the whole 'I tried, it didn't work' excuse. I know this is me being somewhat selfish. If only blood tests could be done to tell me exactly what he is allergic to, things could be different. I honestly believe that he is not allergic to everything...I think its just 2 or 3 things and I can't pin-point what they are. Its going to be crazy when he does start on solid food...because then he starts from HIS elimination diet (of Neocate Junior)...and I can try one thing at a time with him. It will be easy to tell what is causing him a reaction and what isn't.

I am still struggling with what I should eat though. Should I just keep the dairy and soy out of my diet, and the corn..just because of everything I have read and learned about how it can be bad for me? It was so much easier cutting these foods out when I was doing it for Cole. But for myself, letting these foods back in could mean I would start eating horribly again...not that I'm eating so great now anyways. I think I need to seriously think about what foods I should and shouldn't eat for myself though...and stick to a 'diet' that will be healthy for me. I need to loose this weight for my health...and I also need to do it for Cole. I remember when I was a kid, about how mean kids can be. He already is going to have to deal with the whole 'no father' part...I don't want him to have to deal with being embarrassed with the 'big mother' part too.

8 more pounds to go, until I can really start exercising...would have been there already if it wasn't for the two courses of steroids my body doesn't tolerate very well...

On a good note, yesterday Cole got his jumperoo! and he LOVES it! He is still too tiny to reach the floor...so he needs a pillow under there...but he loves to bounce. I got the precious planet blue sky jumperoo...and he keeps staring at this red and yellow ball on it...hehe. I also got my car. I like it in the white. I still need someone to help me out for a few minutes though, as I cannot judge the distance on the front of it. I went to park at wegmans yesterday to pick up my prescriptions...got out of the car...and saw I was 6 feet away from the car in front of me...lol. I am still totally terrified to drive though. When going down a main road..and cars are pulling up and stopping at stop signs..I keep thinking they are going to drive through them. I keep hearing the accident. Driving on the interstate is the only place I don't freak out. I think the other reason, is that in the Jeep I really had NO blind spots. I could see everything...and could completely trust my mirrors. Other cars don't have this luxury. I keep looking over my shoulder and the mirrors and still second guess myself.

Today, I am heading off to my grandparents on my fathers side. Maybe they will go baby crazy and I can take a nap...lol. For the past couple days Cole has been really fussy...and waking up every two hours. I'm exhausted.

three months (plus 1)

I'm 6 hours late in online celebration of Cole turning 3 months old...hehe. But, I plan to get him a jumperoo today to make up for it:)
I can't believe he is 3 months old already! And he is such a big baby though too....looks like he is bigger than that...haha. He can sit in his bumbo and hang out without me worrying about his head going back anymore (unless hes really tired...then he gets kinda wobbly...and shouldn't be in the bumbo anyways haha). He can hold onto stuffed animals and will looks at them and smile at them. Yesterday, for the first time on his play mat...he was batting at the stuff hanging above him and smiling (mostly at some octopus thing..hehe). He is still completely frustrated by being on his tummy. Hates it now. The strength is there...I think he just wants to move and its driving him crazy that he can't. He hasn't rolled over in a few weeks on his own...but he loves to roll when I roll him around haha. Puts a big smile on his face. When he is on his stomach on the bed he can get to his side...but on the floor he doesn't roll anywhere...just cries:(
Oh! Also, a couple of hours ago, I gave him his pacifier in his hand. He put it into his other hand..and then back to the hand I gave it to him with. A couple times he tried unsuccessfully to get it into his mouth...so I helped him out there...hehe.
Also, last night, he without a doubt was crying for me not being in the room. Sometimes he will cry and I will come in and I guess I am ending up distracting him and making him happy...UNTIL I turn my attention away from him and he really was a little hungry, or wanted a diaper change (although..I don't think hes cried for a diaper change in about a month since I'm so quick about it....only diaper related crying has been rash related, more so I think a diaper change just makes him happy to be naked haha), or needs to burp...or is gassy...something along those lines. But, when he went to sleep last night I went to go heat up some food...was half way through eating it when I hear him crying/yelling....run down to see whats going on...and he was totally ok as soon as he saw me. I even got to continue eating! He just wanted me near him. Which...I think is totally cute...but I'm sure isn't going to continue to be cute forever lol.
I had already kind of suspected he didn't like being alone about a week ago...where if during the day I would put him in his crib with the mobile and he went to sleep...distracted by the music of the mobile...as sound asleep as he would be he would wake up when it automatically goes off in about 20 minutes. Maybe it just means I need to get a little CD player for the room or something
And of course...diaper time. I think things may be getting better. Possibly. I may be speaking too soon because its only been 2 diapers I have seen improvement in...and he has been having some breast milk for about 3 or 4 days now. I had cut out corn again after speaking with nutrition services at the company who makes Neocate...and learned that yes, he could still have a corn allergy even though the main component of Neocate is corn syrup solids. There is no corn protein in it. I also had ended up contacting Earth Balance, who makes the diary free and soy free margarine that I use, and gave them positive feedback and had ended up saying that the only thing better would be a corn free version. They wrote me back, telling me that because of corn allergies popping up more and more...that the corn used in it does not have any protein, so its generally safe for people with corn allergies. Knowing that Cole can tolerate the corn in the neocate junior minus the corn, I feel safe keeping that in my diet (I know Cole couldn't tolerate the soy in the infant neocate...even though that one was minus the soy protein as well...so I'm glad he can with the corn). They are going to be sending me a coupon too, which is awesome...I'm getting lots of companies sending me coupons lately! Its awesome!
Another thing for the past two days though...and it was even intentional...was I havn't had any tomatoes/tomato products. So...that may be it too. I'm going to go about another 2 days with no tomatoes...see what happens...if hes ok I'm going to have some...and see if there is a change or not.
Well, I've got a lot to do today! Driving to either babysrus or buybuybaby (20 minutes away), need to go to wegmans (25 minutes from the baby store), need to go over to the Kia dealership (about 2 minutes away from wegmans...but don't want to drive around and have my bass getting hot in the car...so I will have to go home and get it and come back out to the same spot...that will probably take a 30 minutes) and see if my bass will fit in the Soul with a car seat in there, need to drive the bass back home (10 minutes), need to drive out to auction direct to see their car prices (20 minutes), drive back (20 minutes)...and still at some point today I need to fill out a whole bunch of paperwork still pertaining to the car accident. Oh yea, and I forgot to mention...I have to do all of this...without having a car of my own. So, I am going to need to borrow my mom's car, but I'm sure she has stuff to do this afternoon. I would like to just leave at 8am and start to get stuff done...but she won't be awake until probably 10 for me to ask her. Maybe I can just go and plan on doing the first two things and be back by 10 anyways...because I can't see her needing her car while she is asleep...hehe.
Happy 3 month (plus 1) birthday Cole! You are an awesome baby:)

observational rant

Just needed to put this out there. Raising a baby, is stressful. You don't get to sleep when you want to, just get up and go where you want to when you want to...everything revolves around a tiny baby. But don't get me wrong here, I'm not complaining! I love my little man! I just mean, its perfectly normal, for ANY mother out there, to get stressed out. Perfectly normal to have days where you break down and cry because you are overtired and stressed out. Perfectly normal to feel like you are doing a bad job, or any other types of frustrated sleep deprived fleeting thoughts you might get when you are having a little stressed out time. Luckily, for me, I have only had 2 really kind of meltdowns where I was feeling kind of depressed. And also, luckily for me, then the depressed feeling went away. For the most part, there were clear reasons for all of my feelings though. Not sleeping for a week for one. Being sick with one thing after another. Not being able to figure out what my son is allergic to...and feeling like I'm hurting him by giving him the food that is supposed to be the best for him. Issues with doctors offices and insurance companies. Car accident. These are all legitiment things to be worried about, or melt down about, in my opinion.
My two melt downs were one for being sick and overtired...and sleeping though my alarm (well, actually...kept hitting snooze...kept going back to sleep...and felt like an idiot when I hit it the last time and had noticed that it wasn't going to go off again...and then fell back asleep not on purpose) and woke up 10 minutes before Cole's 2 month well visit....when the office is 20 minutes away in good traffic and nothing was ready or put together. I felt so horrible, and it was such a reminder of the depression I used to have when I would miss apointments a lot, that I broke down and felt majorly depressed for about an hour...I was so mad at myself.
My 2nd one, was after Cole having a horrible diaper rash that was open sores...me putting him back on breastmilk to tide over a phone call to the doctor even though he was reacting badly to it....me getting through to them and them sending me a package of food in the mail....it being the wrong thing. This whole feeding Cole thing has been a long hard road. And I just cried and cried. Then went to the hospital and picked up the right stuff.
When I havnt slept for hours and hours...I get in a bad mood. I think anyone would...and I don't take it out on anyone. But, sometimes, like the other night while watching a TV show and Cole started fussing while I was holding him, I said 'hey, sshhh, quiet.' in a calm cool voice...but then was just like what? did I just tell my baby to be quiet? No I wasnt yelling or sounding angry...but really? Thats kinda weird. He only fussed for about 10 seconds anyways. I guess you just act funny when you are sleep deprived.
I think the reason for this blog post is though, because of a website I had joined while I was pregnant called cafemom. I see a lot of posts from women in there about how they are feeling who have tiny babies....and the topic of post pardum depression is a valid one. Honestly, with my history of depression, I thought for sure I might end up getting it before I had my baby. But...I don't. I think of myself as being lucky in that. A lot of women do though. Where they are depressed for days and weeks on end. Having horrible thoughts about their baby (and i'm not just talking about some flash thought through your head that you instantly feel bad for thinking...that only happened once or something like that---as in the post I had just read) I'm talking real I just don't like my baby at all thoughts. Not being able to enjoy anything going on.
But, what seems crazy to me, is how if anyone writes a post about how they are tired and havn't slept, and are cranky, and are feeling momentarily depressed because of sleep depervation, and just ranting about wanting to sleep or wanting baby to stop crying or whatever they are bothered by at the moment....that everyone else seems to jump at diagnosing someone with post pardum depression. I swear that if some of my blog ended up on there, I would have people telling me to make a doctors appointment to discuss depression. And, as much as some stuff kind of drives me crazy in my life right now....mostly the food allergy stuff that I just want to know about...I know I'm not depressed. I'm just tired.
Being in a stressed out state though....if someone had told me they thought I was depressed when I had happened to be in one of my two mini meltdowns....I think it would have made me crazier in that moment of time....thinking that then there was something medically wrong with me...and I probably would have tried to second guess all of my emotions and tried to find out if they were valid or not.
It seems to me, that most every mother out there has times once and a while where they have mini meltdowns. So, if this little mini meltdowns are so common....why is everyone pointing out post pardum depression...instead of just sharing 'yea...we have ALL been there...it will pass...it will be ok...your doing a great job'

not ready

I'm not ready to give up, but, I also think that I'm not ready to go forward for that much longer. Oh yea...and I'm talking about the breast milk here...lol.

So really, tonight I was in the kitchen, thinking about some foods that I miss...and thinking about what to eat...and was kind of having a back and forth in my head.

Should I eat peanut butter and jelly? Well, I have not eaten peanut butter in a few days...why not just cut it out completely? Theres another food to check off the list! So...I didn't make peanut butter and jelly. (I grabbed some frozen meat, and stuck it on the counter to thaw).

I have cut out tree nuts (the only tree nuts I had to begin with, were somehow included in my breathing medicine). Dairy has been out since forever it seems. Soy has been gone for a quite a while. Eggs almost just as long as the dairy has been. I only cut out corn for I think maybe 3 or 4 days...before I relized that he was not allergic to the Neocate Junior. But...in thinking about how corn is a common allergy...I just emailed Neocate to ask if it had 'corn protein' (if thats what one is allergic to in corn) in it or not. If its supposed to be ok for babies with corn allergies...I'm going to cut it out again. (minus the dairy free soy free butter....as its less than 2% corn oil in there).

What I am having such an issue with, it turns out, is tomatoes. And I really don't know of all things why that is. Maybe because with slowly limiting myself...each remaining food becomes increasingly more important. Maybe because its my last condiment? lol

I love spaggetti...I love ketchup. Those are the only two things I use tomatoes for. I can't even stand to eat them cold. But I honestly dread all of this other stuff not working...and having to take that step to cut out tomatoes. Cutting out wheat and all gluten would be a TON easier at the moment.

I am also still terribly confused about this little 'experiment' yesterday. I gave him mostly breast milk yesterday...and he had diarrhea three times yesterday, and twice today. The mucus was gone...but it was a lot of liquid. I went and looked up more info on lactase enzymes and side effects...and a side effect could be constipation...the total opposite...so maybe he had a little bug at the same time?

Ah this is so FRUSTRATING! Maybe this...maybe that...I just want to KNOW. Maybe his body needs a readjustment period to breast milk...maybe THATS the problem now. I feel like I have tried everything...adjusting my diet....worrying....and doing so much to still be giving him formula most of the time. I sit, and pump, and then don't know what to do with the milk. I have so much frozen milk that he is allergic to. Do I just keep marking and freezing?

I don't know if I am willing to take this as far as it may need to go...either. I saw a woman post on cafemom, that a friend or relative or something of hers, went months only consuming chicken and water. I don't think I can take it there....and I feel guilty for it....and just keep thinking that MAYBE...its only really one tiny little thing thats going on...maybe not allergic to things like dairy at all. Or, maybe I'm just starting to go into denial.

Maybe..maybe..maybe..

Experiment day

Today was the day, after doing some research, and (let me add I am doing this completely on my own without a doctor's ok) I started with these lactase enzyme drops I got off of amazon. It was my thinking, that since I had issues with lactose as a baby, that it could be the issue. The nutritionist said she didn't think it would be the case....because its so unheard of. My thought on the matter is...is it really as unheard of as we think it is? Maybe its unheard of to have NO lactase enzyme while you are a baby...and be 100% lactose intolerent...but I don't know how its too much to think that he just doesn't have enough of them. Doing more reading...you can also see its pretty common for babies to not have enough of the enzyme if they had been sick or something too. Being allergic to foods as well, this could have irritated his system too. And...we already KNOW he is not like other babies. What other baby is allergic to Infant Neocate? (Thinking its such an allergy to soy...that he can't even tollerate soy that has no soy protein in it).

So...diaper time.

I had been waiting all day for a dirty diaper (haha...oh the things that change when you become a mom). And...no improvement at all...so far. So, at the moment it is looking like I was wrong here. (although...i think there has been less gas today). Mostly mucus still...tiny flecks on blood...both of these things that go away when I use the Neocate Junior.

So...we will see what happens here I guess!