I'm going to start with this, because I need to get it off of my chest. I feel horrible about it. I didn't hear Cole crying, and he was right next to me. Now it has me second guessing all the other times I have woken up to him crying. I always thought, that he had just started. Now, knowing that he was crying for 5 minutes (so I was told) and I never woke up...I feel horrible. Here is what happened...
In the last 48 hours up until 8am yesterday, I had only slept for 45 minutes. Three separate times, of 15 minutes each. I would get tired enough that I just HAD to fall asleep...and would have him fed, and changed...and when I would lay down to sleep, he would wake up right away, or within 15 minutes. If I stayed up, he would get to sleep fine. It started to get easier to just stay awake, because having to wake up after 15 minutes was just unbearable. So, at 8am, after he was fed and changed...I went to sleep. My mom heard him crying, and came down and picked him up and fed him about 20 minutes later. Sometime around 11, I woke up to him crying and got his bottle, and my mom came down (and scared the crap outta me...haha)...and said she would feed him so I could get some more sleep. Took a little while for me to get back to sleep because I could hear him fussing...but...I did...until about 1 when he woke up again.
This is the thing. I'm a single mom, and choosing to do everything in my power to not have the other parent in the picture. Its not safe for him...at ALL! So, to me, that means I should be able to do everything for Cole, and accept help only as a luxury, and never a necessity. I need to be able to do it on my own.
I know that I would have woken up at some point. Its not like I would have continued to keep sleeping for much longer. And, I also know, that him crying because he was hungry, 20 minutes after he ate 4 ounces, he wasn't going to be in any danger, and he would have been perfectly ok if my mom had not been here. I also know that only getting 45 minutes of sleep in two days, plus having a fever and pneumonia...would take out the best of people.
I just don't like feeling like I might need someone else for help.
Katharine & Cole
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Because Terry is so AWESOME!...
These are just a few of the pictures I got from Terry today...and they are AMAZING! I am just BEYOND excited! I can't get over the cuteness of my little man:)
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Cole and reflux
Today, I made an appointment for both of us at the office, and, as same day appointments go, we see the nurse practitioner. There are two in the office, and I dub this one, the formula practitioner...lol. (I swear, one is extremely pro formula and prescribing meds, and the other is pro breastfeeding, and anti-meds). I tell her everything about Cole going on. He spits up all the time...constantly...and that i realize most spit up is really less than it seems...about a tablespoon. I tell her how often it happens. I tell her that while he is not projectile vomiting (he has only done this about 4 times) he is, what i believe to be, vomiting about once or twice a day...where it is coming out like a fountain...but not out two feet from him. I tell her that he is always coughing, and gagging, and recently choking. I tell her that now, he is even doing it in his sleep. I tell her that I am doing everything possible to keep his neck dry, even using the pure cornstarch baby powder, and a bib..but he still has a little rash....even under his armpits....from all of the spit up. Sometimes the choking looks like it scares him. I told her that it had moved passed me just being concerned for him, and it being a laundry issue...to me being scared to go to sleep...afraid he is going to be choking while I'm sleeping...and something is going to happen to him!
So, she tells me it sounds like reflux, and explains what it is to me. I mean, I am very happy, that now the office thinks this is what is going on...but I didn't need explained to me the very condition I have brought up each and every time. They also want to rule out though, a mild case of Pyloric Stenosis....which I hope that is not what it is...but, I guess its something common among first born males..strange but true facts huh. So, tomorrow he is getting an ultrasound on his little tummy to see whats going on. And, starting today, he is getting some super mashed up rice cereal. I don't really know how I feel about that...him having solids so early...but then I think its probably the same way I would feel about having him on a real medication so early as well. If this doesn't help, he is getting refereed to a specialist to get all of those not fun internal tests done. I just want my little man to feel better!
I scheduled an appointment for me today at the same time as his, because I started antibiotics for bronchitis almost a week ago now, and felt like i was getting better for a few days...then started getting worse again. I have also been feeling like a big baby lately, just wanting to sleep and being kinda grumpy....but, it turns out I have pneumonia, so, I guess I kinda have a right? This is the first time in a LONG time, I am going to be dealing with this outside of the hospital. I'm allergic to steroids, but, when I get pneumonia, I have to take them. So...its time for me to get a jug of water..and head off to sleep!
So, she tells me it sounds like reflux, and explains what it is to me. I mean, I am very happy, that now the office thinks this is what is going on...but I didn't need explained to me the very condition I have brought up each and every time. They also want to rule out though, a mild case of Pyloric Stenosis....which I hope that is not what it is...but, I guess its something common among first born males..strange but true facts huh. So, tomorrow he is getting an ultrasound on his little tummy to see whats going on. And, starting today, he is getting some super mashed up rice cereal. I don't really know how I feel about that...him having solids so early...but then I think its probably the same way I would feel about having him on a real medication so early as well. If this doesn't help, he is getting refereed to a specialist to get all of those not fun internal tests done. I just want my little man to feel better!
I scheduled an appointment for me today at the same time as his, because I started antibiotics for bronchitis almost a week ago now, and felt like i was getting better for a few days...then started getting worse again. I have also been feeling like a big baby lately, just wanting to sleep and being kinda grumpy....but, it turns out I have pneumonia, so, I guess I kinda have a right? This is the first time in a LONG time, I am going to be dealing with this outside of the hospital. I'm allergic to steroids, but, when I get pneumonia, I have to take them. So...its time for me to get a jug of water..and head off to sleep!
Dairy free...IS possible
It has now been around 2 weeks that I have cut dairy out of my diet. I only had one little screw up, when I saw a potato and thought POTATO..and not...POTATO WITH BUTTER ON IT. lol...but that was only about 24 hours into my cutting dairy out of my diet routine.
The first couple of days...I didn't have much to eat AT ALL! I didn't know what to do. Its hard getting to a store with a newborn baby, and all of my quick and easy grab and eat food contained dairy. I had some frozen dinners, some un-frozen quick dinners, cheese, crackers, even some lunchables. With Cole's lack of sleeping for any significant length of time that he goes through a lot, its just way to much for me to actually cook something sometimes. On top of that, I was out of bread, out of jelly (for PB & J) and out of meat. I also had the wrong butter, for something starchy and quick.
SO, that first trip to the grocery store was helpful...but...i still found myself being really limited in hat I could eat. I just went through the meals I would normally have in my head...and just tried cutting out all of the ones that might have dairy in it. That left me with hardly anything, and it was really surprising. So, I needed a new plan of attack. Replacement.
First, I tried replacing cheese, with soy cheese. I tasted it..and it was the most horrible disgusting thing I think I have ever tasted in my life..so..i'm not going there again...lol. So, I tried to replace it with another food entirely...and so far...thats beans (and will be tofu as well). There had been many times I would eat black beans when out to eat somewhere...but i never bought them and ate them at home until this week...and i really don't know why! I made tacos the other night too, and replaced the cheese with refried beans (lol).
When it comes to Cole, I am seeing improvement in some areas, but not in others. His diapers are looking more and more yellow, and less green (except for twice...and i am assuming that these random occurences mean he is allergic to something else too...I think it may be the two time i had eggs as the main part to a meal...not sure...). There is no more blood in his diaper either. His stomach for the most part seems to feel better, but I have no idea if that is really from me stopping the dairy, or introducing the mylicon drops into his diet. His spitting up is just as horrible....but thats all for a different post. Its also kind of hard to figure out exactly whats going on with him, because of the medicine I have been on lately. Two rounds of antibiotics, and they say a side effect can be messing with his intestinal tract. So, I guess I won't really know about how dairy free is going, until I am off these meds, and they are out of both of our systems. (and, how a future doctor appointment goes concerning his spit up/throw up issues)
The first couple of days...I didn't have much to eat AT ALL! I didn't know what to do. Its hard getting to a store with a newborn baby, and all of my quick and easy grab and eat food contained dairy. I had some frozen dinners, some un-frozen quick dinners, cheese, crackers, even some lunchables. With Cole's lack of sleeping for any significant length of time that he goes through a lot, its just way to much for me to actually cook something sometimes. On top of that, I was out of bread, out of jelly (for PB & J) and out of meat. I also had the wrong butter, for something starchy and quick.
SO, that first trip to the grocery store was helpful...but...i still found myself being really limited in hat I could eat. I just went through the meals I would normally have in my head...and just tried cutting out all of the ones that might have dairy in it. That left me with hardly anything, and it was really surprising. So, I needed a new plan of attack. Replacement.
First, I tried replacing cheese, with soy cheese. I tasted it..and it was the most horrible disgusting thing I think I have ever tasted in my life..so..i'm not going there again...lol. So, I tried to replace it with another food entirely...and so far...thats beans (and will be tofu as well). There had been many times I would eat black beans when out to eat somewhere...but i never bought them and ate them at home until this week...and i really don't know why! I made tacos the other night too, and replaced the cheese with refried beans (lol).
When it comes to Cole, I am seeing improvement in some areas, but not in others. His diapers are looking more and more yellow, and less green (except for twice...and i am assuming that these random occurences mean he is allergic to something else too...I think it may be the two time i had eggs as the main part to a meal...not sure...). There is no more blood in his diaper either. His stomach for the most part seems to feel better, but I have no idea if that is really from me stopping the dairy, or introducing the mylicon drops into his diet. His spitting up is just as horrible....but thats all for a different post. Its also kind of hard to figure out exactly whats going on with him, because of the medicine I have been on lately. Two rounds of antibiotics, and they say a side effect can be messing with his intestinal tract. So, I guess I won't really know about how dairy free is going, until I am off these meds, and they are out of both of our systems. (and, how a future doctor appointment goes concerning his spit up/throw up issues)
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Pictures!
Terry Louison Photography
My little man is so cool! And so is Terry!
Terry, is an amazing family friend who I hadn't seen in years, and was in town for, i think it was about 24 hours total (or less!). She came over this morning to see everyone, and meet Cole! She is a professional photographer, and when she said she was going to take some pictures, I was so excited! She brought her whole set up, which I DID NOT expect. I think he managed to show every single expression, except for crying lol. He did something pretty cool too...pulled up his body and his head....kind of like a half sit up. I'm so glad she got a picture of it. Oh man...she got SO MANY amazing pictures...one with him holding my hand....ones of me holding him...just...everything. I am so excited. It was such a great morning. It had been way too long since I had seen Terry, and the pictures were such a bonus on top of that...lol. I can't wait to see them all..aahh!
Saturday, June 5, 2010
baby...you confuse me!
So unpredictable! lol!
Lets start, about 24 hours ago. I am dead tired...and start to lie down to go to sleep. Cole decides he is hungry...and eats about 4 ounces. He is kind of awake still...but I am SO tired (and sick, with broncitis) that I just NEED to sleep. So I do. For about, 20 minutes...because I wake up to him crying. I am trying to figure out what is going on...and am cranky myself...feverish and sick...its the first point where I just walked away for a minute, just needed to destress and come back into the room calmer, because my crankiness was not going to help HIM any...he needs me calm like hes used to. For the next 20 minutes I am trying to find out whats bothering him...and it turns out...hes hungry?? So, he eats some more...about 3 ounces more...is happy...and I fall asleep....again...for about a half an hour. He is crying again, and me begging him to stop isn't working (lol). (and that in itself is unlike me...I am normally just so calm, and telling him its ok...and trying a bunch of different things...and not resorting to asking a baby for something that he has no idea what I'm talking about...lol).
I try his pacifier...which he likes for a minute...but then is acting like he does when I give that to him..but he is hungry instead. So...he wants MORE food. This continued on for a few hours....of him eating like CRAZY...I think about 15 ounces in 3 hours or so? Thats an insane amount of food. But then...he sleeps for 7 hours straight. When he wakes up, very happy, he doesn't even want to eat for at least an hour, which again, is unusual.
Now, he is eating kinda strange again, starting about 2 hours ago. He cries and acts SO hungry...I give him the bottle...he eats about 1/4 ounce...and goes to sleep...for about 15 minutes...then repeats the cycle. I don't know whats going on with this little guy? He is confusing me! lol
Lets start, about 24 hours ago. I am dead tired...and start to lie down to go to sleep. Cole decides he is hungry...and eats about 4 ounces. He is kind of awake still...but I am SO tired (and sick, with broncitis) that I just NEED to sleep. So I do. For about, 20 minutes...because I wake up to him crying. I am trying to figure out what is going on...and am cranky myself...feverish and sick...its the first point where I just walked away for a minute, just needed to destress and come back into the room calmer, because my crankiness was not going to help HIM any...he needs me calm like hes used to. For the next 20 minutes I am trying to find out whats bothering him...and it turns out...hes hungry?? So, he eats some more...about 3 ounces more...is happy...and I fall asleep....again...for about a half an hour. He is crying again, and me begging him to stop isn't working (lol). (and that in itself is unlike me...I am normally just so calm, and telling him its ok...and trying a bunch of different things...and not resorting to asking a baby for something that he has no idea what I'm talking about...lol).
I try his pacifier...which he likes for a minute...but then is acting like he does when I give that to him..but he is hungry instead. So...he wants MORE food. This continued on for a few hours....of him eating like CRAZY...I think about 15 ounces in 3 hours or so? Thats an insane amount of food. But then...he sleeps for 7 hours straight. When he wakes up, very happy, he doesn't even want to eat for at least an hour, which again, is unusual.
Now, he is eating kinda strange again, starting about 2 hours ago. He cries and acts SO hungry...I give him the bottle...he eats about 1/4 ounce...and goes to sleep...for about 15 minutes...then repeats the cycle. I don't know whats going on with this little guy? He is confusing me! lol
Thursday, June 3, 2010
sick...and broken! and wipes! and no dairy! haha
Even though pregnancy is, lets say, uncomfortable (especially that last month....and then those extra two weeks where you are PAST your due date...lol)...the great thing about it is that I went into a 'remission' of sorts from my autoimmune issues. I have a strange problem with one type of white blood cell, the eosinophils, which multiply too much and are malformed...and kind of end up attacking my body. Most likely, it is an autoimmune disease called Churg Strauss syndrome, but not definitive diagnosis has been made yet. Either way, the treatment for it is the exact same as what they were already giving me for the side effect of losing my skin in 2007...oral chemotherapy medicine. Anyways, I stopped taking this stuff in February of 2009. I was just so sick of being so tired all of the time...and my skin had been back for a while so I had forgotten how unpleasant it was. It took months for those symptoms to come full on in the first place, so I figured I had a while that I could be off of it with minimal side effects. The chronic infections I get from this kept happening while I was on the medicine anyways.
So, in July, I became pregnant with Cole. (And there is always that 'maybe' pregnancy and very early miscarraige in June). My health from then until delivery infection wise, and blood count wise...was AMAZING! Really, the only health issues I had during the pregnancy, were pregnancy related. (Gestational hypertension only starting at 39 weeks, crazy swelling starting around 34-35 weeks, anemia at around 32 weeks). Only once during my entire pregnancy was I on antibiotics, and that time I took them, I don't think I even really needed them. I was in the hospital for asthma (but that happens all the time...)...and don't even think I would have ended up there if I had the right medication at home (it was right after my move from NC, and stuff got left behind).
So, flash forward to now, I still have no idea what my blood count looks like. But this I do know. I had to take 10 days of antibiotics for an infected tooth. (My teeth have been HORRIBLE ever since taking the oral chemotherapy medicine. The same thing that effects your hair and makes it fall out, effects your teeth I am told). Really, I was surprised this didn't happen DURING the pregnancy...because they were in the same state then. And now, less than 2 weeks after taking that round of antibiotics...I am given another round for broncitis. I had forgotten how crappy you feel when you are sick...and taking care of a baby when your sick? OH MAN!
I have found that I still only have the energy to take care of one person...and that person is, of course, Cole. I really need someone to take care of ME! lol! So, I am slacking today. I'm not doing any laundry. I'm not cleaning any bottles...not until I feel a little better...or need a clean bottle...lol.
On top of this, I open up my laptop, this laptop I spent a crazy amount of money getting fixed only a few months ago, and the screen is cracked AGAIN. So, I have to wait until next wednesday to get it fixed in 24 hours (instead of dropping it off and waiting days on end). Now, I was lazy yesterday, and put it next to my bed...but I made SURE to walk over it each and every time. I didn't step on it...so I dunno! Maybe a dog snuck down here if I left the door open when I left for my WIC appointment earlier today (which was so much fun..sick...urg).
I also decided today, to buy in bulk...lol. When I left the hospital a month ago, they send you home with some pampers, and some of the wipes you use in the hospital. The wipes are an off brand I have not seen in any stores...and I like the smell of them (aloe). The other brands I have bought, in the huggies, and even the 'unscented' pampers...smell like cleaning fluid to me. It was also quite expensive to buy them in the stores...so I thought I would just buy some cases of the ones I liked online. I will be getting about 2000 wipes total in the mail at some point in the next week...and i'm interested to see exactly how long they are going to last for! It will also be great to not have to worry about wipes for a while. I would love to do this with the diapers too...but hes growing so fast...and I have no idea how long he will be in each size. He was in the newborn size because stage 1 was too big, until he was about 10 1/2 pounds. Then it seemed it was overnight that they just didn't fit anymore.
It has also been about 5 days now with no dairy. Wow its hard though. Dairy seems to be in everything...even a lot of bread products, or crackers even. I seem to be living off of peanut butter and jelly lol. I love cheese...so I got some vegan soy cheese that I have yet to try. I'm going to start eating some more tofu again too, and I'm eating soy yogurt for Cole's thrush (I love silk soy milk (chocolate! lol)...but I really don't much enjoy the silk brand soy yogurt...I'm just eating it as medicine). The only other soy yogurt I found at the store, said it had its active cultures from dairy...that didn't make much sense to me! Why bother making your yogurt out of soy milk...if you are just gonna go ahead and add dairy to it anyways? And name your brand of yogurt with the word soy in it? lol!
That is it for now:) Rants over! lol
So, in July, I became pregnant with Cole. (And there is always that 'maybe' pregnancy and very early miscarraige in June). My health from then until delivery infection wise, and blood count wise...was AMAZING! Really, the only health issues I had during the pregnancy, were pregnancy related. (Gestational hypertension only starting at 39 weeks, crazy swelling starting around 34-35 weeks, anemia at around 32 weeks). Only once during my entire pregnancy was I on antibiotics, and that time I took them, I don't think I even really needed them. I was in the hospital for asthma (but that happens all the time...)...and don't even think I would have ended up there if I had the right medication at home (it was right after my move from NC, and stuff got left behind).
So, flash forward to now, I still have no idea what my blood count looks like. But this I do know. I had to take 10 days of antibiotics for an infected tooth. (My teeth have been HORRIBLE ever since taking the oral chemotherapy medicine. The same thing that effects your hair and makes it fall out, effects your teeth I am told). Really, I was surprised this didn't happen DURING the pregnancy...because they were in the same state then. And now, less than 2 weeks after taking that round of antibiotics...I am given another round for broncitis. I had forgotten how crappy you feel when you are sick...and taking care of a baby when your sick? OH MAN!
I have found that I still only have the energy to take care of one person...and that person is, of course, Cole. I really need someone to take care of ME! lol! So, I am slacking today. I'm not doing any laundry. I'm not cleaning any bottles...not until I feel a little better...or need a clean bottle...lol.
On top of this, I open up my laptop, this laptop I spent a crazy amount of money getting fixed only a few months ago, and the screen is cracked AGAIN. So, I have to wait until next wednesday to get it fixed in 24 hours (instead of dropping it off and waiting days on end). Now, I was lazy yesterday, and put it next to my bed...but I made SURE to walk over it each and every time. I didn't step on it...so I dunno! Maybe a dog snuck down here if I left the door open when I left for my WIC appointment earlier today (which was so much fun..sick...urg).
I also decided today, to buy in bulk...lol. When I left the hospital a month ago, they send you home with some pampers, and some of the wipes you use in the hospital. The wipes are an off brand I have not seen in any stores...and I like the smell of them (aloe). The other brands I have bought, in the huggies, and even the 'unscented' pampers...smell like cleaning fluid to me. It was also quite expensive to buy them in the stores...so I thought I would just buy some cases of the ones I liked online. I will be getting about 2000 wipes total in the mail at some point in the next week...and i'm interested to see exactly how long they are going to last for! It will also be great to not have to worry about wipes for a while. I would love to do this with the diapers too...but hes growing so fast...and I have no idea how long he will be in each size. He was in the newborn size because stage 1 was too big, until he was about 10 1/2 pounds. Then it seemed it was overnight that they just didn't fit anymore.
It has also been about 5 days now with no dairy. Wow its hard though. Dairy seems to be in everything...even a lot of bread products, or crackers even. I seem to be living off of peanut butter and jelly lol. I love cheese...so I got some vegan soy cheese that I have yet to try. I'm going to start eating some more tofu again too, and I'm eating soy yogurt for Cole's thrush (I love silk soy milk (chocolate! lol)...but I really don't much enjoy the silk brand soy yogurt...I'm just eating it as medicine). The only other soy yogurt I found at the store, said it had its active cultures from dairy...that didn't make much sense to me! Why bother making your yogurt out of soy milk...if you are just gonna go ahead and add dairy to it anyways? And name your brand of yogurt with the word soy in it? lol!
That is it for now:) Rants over! lol
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