In that strange 'middle group'

That is what it feels like with the way I feed Cole.

There is so much discussion everywhere about formula feeding vs breastfeeding, but I had made up my mind while I was pregnant that I was going to give breastfeeding a try, as strange as I felt about it. I mean, when I found out I was pregnant and was still with my ex, I remember one of the first things he said was that we needed to start stocking up on formula. I had always associated babies with bottles, and breasts as nothing but sexual things. But, then I did a lot of learning about the benefits of breastfeeding...and about how it gives him a chance to be so much healthier. There were also those vain reasons to breastfeed...you loose about 500 calories a day, so it helps you loose weight faster.

So, I thought that my decision to breastfeed was going to be the only hard part. But, it turns out that Cole and I had issues with it. For his first 24 hours he wouldn't latch onto anything...not even a finger...so his feedings had to be out of a little medicine cup. I had lactation consultants in my room, squeezing my breasts in every single way possible to try to get colostrum out to feed him. It was pretty crazy...but since labor had been so recent I hadn't gained my modesty back yet...lol. But, then my swelling got worse...and I couldn't get anything out. I ended up having to swear this silicon thing over my breast, with a feeding tube in it, connected to a bulb seringe filled with formula. The formula made him gassy and unhappy...and I was really happy when after I got home my milk finally came in. He WANTS to nurse, but then gets frustrated. He never gets a'meal' that way...its more like snacking...and then its almost like hes just like 'I'm done with that! Time to give me food quicker!' Its also bordering on the impossible to keep the shield in place because he keeps trying to grab at it (and I have an issue that makes it harder for him to latch as well).

So, I have turned into a bottle feeder. But, the bottle is breast milk. Which makes me feel like I'm in some strange middle group. People ask me if he is breast feed, and I say yes. But really, he is not fed at the breast. At least he is still getting all of the nutritional benefits, for the most part (I know that with pumping, its harder to get that 'hind milk' out of there). I have also encountered some breastfeeding women, who tell me I'm going about this wrong. That I should never give a bottle if I really want him to learn how to breastfeed. That I'm going to miss out on the bonding part. I know that the feeding is different, and the bonding part is different now. It really is a different feeling being able to nurse a baby then giving it a bottle. But, this is what works for us. It was too stressful for both of us....4 hours of trying to get a baby to eat, who doesn't want to try because he is so hungry that he is crying and grabbing at things and moving all around...and then me crying because hes so upset...doesn't help things. Each feeding was like this....of trying and trying and trying...then giving up and giving him a bottle I had already pumped. So, maybe I am taking the easy way out here...but there we have it.

I'm a bottle feeding breast milk mama...lol