are you serious?

Saw some stuff today thanks to Sarah that really kinda made me shake my head, when it comes to childbirth. Not only are some places telling their patients they are not allowed to have Douala's (which is bad enough) but they are even going so far as to not let women make their own birth plan, and "providing one for them". Some places having the pregnant mother sign a sheet of paper stating that, and basically giving up all of your rights in the process.

Who are these doctors who think they know so much more than a woman's body? Humans have been around quite a while, and it is only recently that giving birth has become a medical procedure. They even talked about needing to assess the baby first before the mother holding him/her!

Now, I didn't even really take any childbirth classes. My mom came with me to an express one, but I ended up leaving. It was, of course, couple oriented and I got pretty depressed. (even had a nice nurse offer to give me a one on one...but I lost her phone number). Either way, I had a birth plan in mind. It was not to be hooked up to things if i didn't need to be. No IV unless I needed medicine. Try to do natural, but if I couldn't handle it, then not to beat myself up about it. (I probably would have been really into the whole natural thing if I had a supportive s/o..but..things are what they are.) I did not want needless internal monitoring...or being induced just because I was 39 weeks. No getting cut. I think most important, I DID NOT want a C-section.

But, things do not always go as planned. I was initially sent over to the hospital, 11 days after my due date, because of high blood pressure. I was in labor, but only the very early stages. Only 1 1/2 cm and 70% effaced. I come to find out that the stuff coming out of me the last 7 hours, was indeed amniotic fluid. After 2 hours of being hooked up to fetal monitoring...I told them no more. I got away with that until they wanted to put cervidil in because I hadn't made any progress. With meds comes monitoring the baby. I understood that. The next morning, when there was STILL no progress. I was at that over 24 hour after the water breaks point, where they could do a c-section. I didn't want to. So, the other option, since my body obviously at that point wasn't going to do it (the contractions, little they were, actually stopped overnight), was to go the pitocin route. Pitocin, kind of kicks your contractions into the kind of contractions you should be having at 8 or 9 cm...pretty quick. (got up to 2 minutes apart after about 2 hours on pitocin). Contractions starting every 2 minutes, lasting a minute, a little recovery, about 3-5 seconds worth of being able to actually speak...and then back in again. If this was normal progression, you would suspect after having contractions like these...it would be any time now that its time to push the baby out. I was not so lucky...and after 3 hours of contractions like this, I couldn't take it anymore...and went for the epidural....so, about 5 hours after the pitocin started. But, I was only dilated to 4cm. A nurse actually had the audacity to state publicly that I was not even in labor yet...since...I was only 4cm. I wanted to jump off of that birthing ball and slap her..but..labor pains held me back.
After I got the epidural, I could breath. And the contractions kept going, and they kept trying to figure them out with the pitocin to make them the exact way they wanted them too. It kinda felt like tuning an old radio dial to find the right frequency (not that I ever owned an old radio...haha). At one point, the contractions were so close together, they were coming on top of each other...and it dropped his heart rate. I was terrified from then on. But, I still was not making any progress...hours later. It came to a point at about 14 hours after I started the pitocin, that we were gonna have to make a choice. I could keep going...or get a c-section...as failure to progress. I REALLY did not want a c-section. So, monitoring of me and him went into overdrive. They wanted to do an internal monitor, both to make sure his heart beat was ok, and to be able to REALLY determine the strength of the contractions. I was ok with that at this point. And then, luckily, I went to 8cm and 100% effaced. Then 10cm. But, he still wouldn't drop now...so it was onto another problem. I still held off, and luckily he dropped enough for me to try to start pushing. What I didn't know is that he was posterior. It seemed the doctors didn't know that either, until I was able to push him out in one push (after 3 hours of pushing)...and he flipped over at the same time. The look of shock on my OB's face said it all...it was something rare...lol. I was able to push him out like that, only because of his heart beat disappearing, when it was connected directly too him. No-one could sugar coat that he just fell off the monitor or something. I knew I needed him out of there.

So, I did get to avoid things like forceps, vacuums, being cut instead of tearing (I did tear, two places, but only needed 2 stitches for one, and one for the other. ) I didn't get a c-section. (And both my OB and the resident in the room..who were wonderful, laughed and told me afterwords they were SURE I was going to get a c-section...they didn't think it was gonna happen...lol).

If I had ended up at one of these places, that makes you go by THEIR birth plan....there is no way they would have let someone go 47 hours past their water breaking. I would have gotten a c-section the day before he was born. I wouldn't have been able to have a say in the matter...and knowing my health issues and the way I get infections (4 since giving birth already)...and the slow way I heal....I would probably still be in a crazy amount of pain and having problems getting around had they done that. And Cole is great. The ONLY complications during birth, was his heartbeat disappearing by the vein being pressed on his head in the birth canal. And yea..that was scary...but he was OK. Apgars 8 and then 9...only for color. And STILL, the first place he was put after he was born? On top of me.

This has kind of turned into another birth story about Cole, but this stuff really got me thinking. How horrible would it be to be so out of control? What woman would want to be told what to do...and follow someone else's birth plan?

whats going on...

I mean really now...this is just getting crazy...and heartbreaking!

First its the reflux, and the colic associated with whatever hidden food allergy Cole has...and the issues with me taking a whole bunch of antibiotics...which has given him thrush not only in his mouth, but on his butt...and as i discovered today...also in OTHER sensitive diaper areas...

He is screaming while he pees. I change him right away of course...but he takes a while to calm down afterwords. I find if I really lather on the diaper rash cream it helps with the pain when he goes to the bathroom. But, there was another scare in this area today.

Cole has been eating just as much formula as he did breast milk...if not a little more today. But, from midnight until 4pm...he only had 3 wet diapers. I mean, hes the type of baby where as soon as you change his diaper he will pee just the tiniest bit. (and I only know what part by having the line change colors on the pampers...otherwise you wouldn't even know...lol).

But today..that was different. I didn't know if he could possibly be 'holding it' because it hurt in that area...or if something else was going on now. I called our doctor, and she said I should probably go into urgent care either tonight or tomorrow morning, because they could do a uranalisis and see if there was some type of infection. As SOON as I get off the phone...he pees. But, I decide to take him in anyways. He had a temp of 99.6 in the office...and while the doctor is in there pees again. She thinks the pain is just from the thrush that is already in the area....and not him actually GOING to the bathroom. Her explaination for the change in wet diapers was switching from the breast milk to the formula with no weaning inbetween.

If that IS the case...i really would have liked to hear this from the GI specialist before I did this. If I had known that...I wouldn't have started the antibiotics for another day so I could have had some pumped and in the fridge....The day I started them was really the first day in a long time I had no antibiotics left in my system...grabbing something frozen still has them in it.

So, its like a can't win here. At least when he got the blood in his diapers...he didn't seem to care. The gas he cared about...but this cry he has now is SOOO different. He is in so much pain from his diaper area, and his teeth coming in (wow...its getting sharp in there). The thrush in his mouth looks worse than it ever did before too.

And NOW he is losing his voice. I don't know if he has a sore throat from the thrush...or from an infection (I'm worried about the 99.6...but it went down to 97 with the infant tylenol...hes got a low normal temp just like his mama) or if its just from all of this intense crying he has done the last couple of days.

Its so hard to see him smiling and doing this cute little new laugh...and then BAM starts going to the bathroom and screaming...and when he does open his eyes while he is crying....he is looking at me like 'why won't you help me?!?!'

I'm trying hun...i'm trying...

still waiting...

...but bloody hell I'm going to give him this infants ibuprofen no matter what the doctor says!
All of a sudden, yesterday, Cole's butt looked kind of red. I thought, oh no, consequences of him getting a good nights sleep in...a lapse in a diaper change...he got a diaper rash. He has had some tiny little diaper rashes before and they never seemed to cause him any pain. But, his butt just looked red...not bumpy like the diaper rash. Honestly, didn't look that bad. So, as he normally does, the little nudist he is, he gets really happy when hes naked for 10 seconds. I got the wipe...and BAM...HUGE CRY. This red area really hurt him. So...i grabbed the diaper rash cream and put it on there....he was ok in about 3 minutes but wow. His next diaper change...the crying was more intense and lasted longer. It hurt him! Luckily, for the next 10 hours he only had wet diapers and not dirty ones...but i kept putting the cream on. He had a follow up appointment today....and I guess the thrush he had in his mouth...is now...on his butt. THAT is what is hurting him so bad. I gave him a diaper change around 230...and this scream...and this cry...and his face...omg...its the worst thing i have ever seen. It hurts him SO BAD. And I had to rub this creme on him, to help make it better...I'm sure that didn't help.
So, when I had picked up this medicine, I looked for an infants Tylenol in the off brand...didn't see one...only children's...but saw an infants ibuprofen. So, I grabbed it. He meets the weight requirements on the box, but not the age requirements. I called about an hour ago now to see if it was ok to give it to him because hes hurting...they were gonna check and get back to me. (I swear....I LOVE LOVE LOVE the doctor...the office not so much...)
I cannot listen to that scream and crying and see his face like that ever again. I just can't. Its too heartbreaking. This is about 100 times worse than the crying from the insane amount of gas he was having. I'm going to have to give him this stuff either way before I clean him up after a dirty diaper...because it just hurts him too bad...

strange dream

Completely random, but I needed to share this really strange dream I just had...as already bits and pieces of it are fading away.

Darrell being in it was strange enough. I don't even remember if Cole was in it, or if he even existed in this mini dream world....(I'm pretty sure he did). I also don't remember if Darrell was the abusive guy he is in real life in the dream either.

It started off with us both being in my mother's basement...where I am staying at the moment. I was trying to figure out what time it was. I had the computer open, and had a watch on (I never where a watch lol)...although...it really might have been a watch application on a phone...i dunno...not important. Either way, what was important, was the time. It was different. I was confused. And then, the time was different from the computer to the watch or phone. It kept jumping almost 2 hours ahead. It made me think there must have been some type of natural phenomenon going on somewhere. It was then, that I looked out the tiny window, and saw a strangely bright sky in the middle of the night. I walked upstairs to check it out at the same time Darrell was getting a phone call from his father he was contemplating ignoring. I asked him to grab some cigarettes, and he said no. (strange details huh? lol)
I walk outside of the front door and look at the sky. Its kind of like the moon has taken up somewhere between 1/8 to 1/6 of the sky...and its giving off this bluish glow. I could hear water, even though that would be really strange given the location of my mom's house. (But, as i found when i woke up, I had left my computer on right next to me with the sound on...making bubbling sounds and wave sounds from a facebook application lol). It was raining strangely...light rain with big drops. The wind had seriously picked up.
I went inside to try to figure out what was going on. Looking up in the sky felt ominous. It came out of no-where, and I didn't know if this as the end of the world. The television said it was a star. I didn't know if it was referring to a real star, or calling it a shooting star or some sort like an asteroid.

I remember a couple of months ago though, I read something about an asteroid or a comet that will be coming so close to earth, it should pass between the earth and the moon on its orbit in about 20 years. Although, I don't know why that would have popped into my head tonight.
That's all of the dream there was too...as Cole woke up about 40 minutes after I had first fallen asleep. Hmm...strange stuff.

Stopping doesn't mean giving up

It means I am TRYING something new.

I am going to try the neocate with Cole. This decision doesn't have much to do with my convenience at all...it would actually be MORE convenient for me to continue giving him breast milk. But, the past 24 hours told me that even though we have this issues with dairy and soy and eggs, the other issues we have are things like me being on my 4th round of antibiotics in 2 months. I was going to hold off and not take them....until my blood pressure went through the roof. Cole needs a mother who is alive right now more than breast milk.
And, even though I am giving him this formula...it doesn't mean I am going to continue to do so. Unless there is a crazy turn around thing happening in a week from now when I am finished with these antibiotics, then I am going to go back to giving him breast milk again.

mememe (and him..hehe)

This is a completely selfish about me blog post...lol. Which, I kind of feel guilty about. I feel like since I became a mom, of course, everything is about Cole. Even more so, because he has something going on. But I have put myself so far on the back burner, and I'm exausted.

Cole will be 2 months old on the 28th. Since he has been born...this is what has happened with ME.
Today, I was just prescribed my FOURTH round of antibiotics. First was for an infected tooth, then one round for broncitis...then again when it turned into pneumonia...and now again today, for a different infected tooth.
I have had 2 teeth pulled.
I have had a fibromyalgia flair.
I have had swelling so severe, my feet were in a toe pointed position that made it nearly impossible to walk. I still have pain trying to get on the ground.
I have gone back to being tired and worn out, even when I do get sleep.
My blood pressure keeps going through the roof, and when it does, my pulse rate drops.
I have been in cold sweats for 3 weeks, even without a fever.

On top of this, is the stress of trying to find out whats wrong with Cole. Just when I think 'maybe thats helping!' something else happens. Like, for example, I have really tried to tackle this oversupply issue in the last 24 hours. LLL advised that I try to discard the foremilk at the beginning, and, last night I only pumped one side at a time. Almost immediately, there was no spit up. Also, he normally has a dirty diaper at every feeding. He went about 8 hours without one (then of course had a huge one..lol). It looked different because of the barium in it from his GI study yesterday, but, it wasn't green, and I didn't see any mucus or blood in it. A couple hours later, he had a little one, and it looked good. I was so happy..he wasn't even cranky (besides being a little tired fussy)...it wasn't the 'ahhh my stomach hurts' cranky. I was thinking..'man...this might be what it is!!'. I take him upstairs to give him a bath...take off his diaper...and bam...its green liquid. Baby diahera. And I'm thinking..WHAT did i do now. What did I eat, that he didn't like. I had meat, potato, dairy free/soy free bread, ketchup, and 100% juice fruit punch, and mango juice. But if its a food allergy...can I take it to mean that he is reacting to the last meal I had? I mean, yesterday, he had the barium at 3pm. It was not until this morning where is started to show up coming out of him.

The other thing is...I could pick tomatoes to cut out...and then if I saw improvement...I wouldn't know if it was from the tomatoes, or the soy, or the dairy, or the oversupply thing being resolved. As soon as I have to cut one thing out...i start relying on the other foods more. (I mean, I can still make spagetti...and have it dairy/soy free. Its one of the 4 dinners I can still make for myself...lol...)

I'm really going to end up just eating chicken and rice....for the next year...aren't i? arrgg..

..and no soy...and no eggs...

Thats what I was told yesterday. If I want to continue pumping breast milk for Cole to eat..I need to stop eating soy, and stop eating straight eggs (meaning i can still have products with egg baked in as an ingredient for now). I almost freaked out a bit. I mean, three weeks ago when i checked through a ton of labels to make sure nothing had milk in it...EVERYTHING had soy in it. I stopped at Lori's Natural Foods to get some bread on the way home from the hospital...just knowing that my bread at home was dairy free but not soy free.....and this little loaf was $6.22. They didn't have any soy free butter either...which kinda made me insane. (I mean, I at least like to know that I can grab some rice and something to put on it.....which normally would be teriyaki or earth balance...but...couldn't have those now). My mom found a soy free earth balance at wegmans and got some for me though, which is awesome. I have yet to taste it...but i'm sure it will be fine.

There are problems with this diet though.
First, is the money. In order to find dairy free, and especially soy free, you need to go organic. Organic costs twice as much. I am on food stamps at the moment, and I don't even think that the only store that has soy free dairy free bread takes them.
Second, I enjoy quick and easy foods. I am sleep deprived beyond belief. The last thing I want to do is spend hours in the kitchen, when I have a baby who wakes up every 2 to 3 hours....or a lot of the time when he is awake, because of the issues he is having, he is NOT happy. Keep in mind also, that I am pumping breast milk. 3 hours out of every single day, is spent with a breast pump. This does not include time feeding my son.

At the same time, I am starting to feel kind of selfish. I have already put him though getting dairy out of my system to try to see if thats the issue. Three weeks later, no change. Now, hes still going to have to wait to get better, until I get soy out of my system. If I just gave him the crazy expensive neocate formula, he would feel better a lot quicker...but...its not breast milk. I also, selfishly, enjoy loosing at least 800 calories a day (with my pump output), when I am way to tired to actually work out at this point. I need to loose this weight...its insanity. Because of medicine I have taken, milk banks are not going to want my milk.

And then I think...what if. What if, its not a food allergy at all. What if, all of his issues, were because I was on three rounds of antibiotics since he has been born. Those can have side effects. What if THAT is why he wasn't feeling good. What if, I have an oversupply issue, from having 50-70 ounces of breast milk pumped a day. Even though it all mixes in a bottle...and I cannot find any oversupply information for women who exclusively pump. What if THAT is the issue instead? How can I try to figure out what it is...without hurting him more?

This and that...

Lots of stuff!

To start off with, I'm starting to think that a milk allergy, is NOT the issue. Its been three weeks, and his diapers are still the same...EXCEPT, for his dirty diapers after having some of the organic dry rice baby food (its tiny little flakes..easier to disolve than the rice cereal) his diapers look amazing. The correct color, the correct consistancy, no blood, not much mucus to speak of. Then, the other half of the day..its back to being green and strange looking, with blood in it still from time to time. This, along with me pumping an insane amount of breastmilk (at least 50 ounces a day), makes me think that the problem, is in fact, oversupply, even though hes eating from a bottle all of the time. Its my 'theory', that the rice cereal is fattening up the milk enough, that its making his intenstines feel a bit better...just my theory though...its something to discuss with the doctor at his next appointment. I know oversupply issues of foremilk/hindmilk imbalance are not supposed to cause any issues in a bottle, because the two mix...but when i pump i can see that the foremilk is half of the bottle i am filling up (looks almost clearish) before it starts to change to be more whitish. I don't know..there is not a wealth of information out there on exclusive pumping!

Now, the rice has been added to his bottles at night, because of his reflux. Its supposed to thicken it up, so he won't spit up, and its being done at night because he was spitting up at night, in his sleep, and choking, and scaring me to death. We also started him on baby zantac 2 days ago...and so far...its not working. I don't know how long its supposed to take to work either. He is still having mini projectile vomits after every feeding.

Something amazing as well that we started two days ago, is gripe water! He was getting sooo fussy because his tummy was hurting him so bad...and hes so gassy. It always starts up around the same time every day too..about 430pmish...and lasts for a few hours. The gripe water has really helped so far. He actually spent an hour kicking away yesterday, happy and smiley, which he hadn't done for about a week.

I will just be really happy when he stops his throwing up...and i hope its soon!

Jumble of things...

I'm going to start with this, because I need to get it off of my chest. I feel horrible about it. I didn't hear Cole crying, and he was right next to me. Now it has me second guessing all the other times I have woken up to him crying. I always thought, that he had just started. Now, knowing that he was crying for 5 minutes (so I was told) and I never woke up...I feel horrible. Here is what happened...

In the last 48 hours up until 8am yesterday, I had only slept for 45 minutes. Three separate times, of 15 minutes each. I would get tired enough that I just HAD to fall asleep...and would have him fed, and changed...and when I would lay down to sleep, he would wake up right away, or within 15 minutes. If I stayed up, he would get to sleep fine. It started to get easier to just stay awake, because having to wake up after 15 minutes was just unbearable. So, at 8am, after he was fed and changed...I went to sleep. My mom heard him crying, and came down and picked him up and fed him about 20 minutes later. Sometime around 11, I woke up to him crying and got his bottle, and my mom came down (and scared the crap outta me...haha)...and said she would feed him so I could get some more sleep. Took a little while for me to get back to sleep because I could hear him fussing...but...I did...until about 1 when he woke up again.

This is the thing. I'm a single mom, and choosing to do everything in my power to not have the other parent in the picture. Its not safe for him...at ALL! So, to me, that means I should be able to do everything for Cole, and accept help only as a luxury, and never a necessity. I need to be able to do it on my own.

I know that I would have woken up at some point. Its not like I would have continued to keep sleeping for much longer. And, I also know, that him crying because he was hungry, 20 minutes after he ate 4 ounces, he wasn't going to be in any danger, and he would have been perfectly ok if my mom had not been here. I also know that only getting 45 minutes of sleep in two days, plus having a fever and pneumonia...would take out the best of people.

I just don't like feeling like I might need someone else for help.

Because Terry is so AWESOME!...

These are just a few of the pictures I got from Terry today...and they are AMAZING! I am just BEYOND excited! I can't get over the cuteness of my little man:)

Cole and reflux

Today, I made an appointment for both of us at the office, and, as same day appointments go, we see the nurse practitioner. There are two in the office, and I dub this one, the formula practitioner...lol. (I swear, one is extremely pro formula and prescribing meds, and the other is pro breastfeeding, and anti-meds). I tell her everything about Cole going on. He spits up all the time...constantly...and that i realize most spit up is really less than it seems...about a tablespoon. I tell her how often it happens. I tell her that while he is not projectile vomiting (he has only done this about 4 times) he is, what i believe to be, vomiting about once or twice a day...where it is coming out like a fountain...but not out two feet from him. I tell her that he is always coughing, and gagging, and recently choking. I tell her that now, he is even doing it in his sleep. I tell her that I am doing everything possible to keep his neck dry, even using the pure cornstarch baby powder, and a bib..but he still has a little rash....even under his armpits....from all of the spit up. Sometimes the choking looks like it scares him. I told her that it had moved passed me just being concerned for him, and it being a laundry issue...to me being scared to go to sleep...afraid he is going to be choking while I'm sleeping...and something is going to happen to him!

So, she tells me it sounds like reflux, and explains what it is to me. I mean, I am very happy, that now the office thinks this is what is going on...but I didn't need explained to me the very condition I have brought up each and every time. They also want to rule out though, a mild case of Pyloric Stenosis....which I hope that is not what it is...but, I guess its something common among first born males..strange but true facts huh. So, tomorrow he is getting an ultrasound on his little tummy to see whats going on. And, starting today, he is getting some super mashed up rice cereal. I don't really know how I feel about that...him having solids so early...but then I think its probably the same way I would feel about having him on a real medication so early as well. If this doesn't help, he is getting refereed to a specialist to get all of those not fun internal tests done. I just want my little man to feel better!

I scheduled an appointment for me today at the same time as his, because I started antibiotics for bronchitis almost a week ago now, and felt like i was getting better for a few days...then started getting worse again. I have also been feeling like a big baby lately, just wanting to sleep and being kinda grumpy....but, it turns out I have pneumonia, so, I guess I kinda have a right? This is the first time in a LONG time, I am going to be dealing with this outside of the hospital. I'm allergic to steroids, but, when I get pneumonia, I have to take them. So...its time for me to get a jug of water..and head off to sleep!

Dairy free...IS possible

It has now been around 2 weeks that I have cut dairy out of my diet. I only had one little screw up, when I saw a potato and thought POTATO..and not...POTATO WITH BUTTER ON IT. lol...but that was only about 24 hours into my cutting dairy out of my diet routine.

The first couple of days...I didn't have much to eat AT ALL! I didn't know what to do. Its hard getting to a store with a newborn baby, and all of my quick and easy grab and eat food contained dairy. I had some frozen dinners, some un-frozen quick dinners, cheese, crackers, even some lunchables. With Cole's lack of sleeping for any significant length of time that he goes through a lot, its just way to much for me to actually cook something sometimes. On top of that, I was out of bread, out of jelly (for PB & J) and out of meat. I also had the wrong butter, for something starchy and quick.

SO, that first trip to the grocery store was helpful...but...i still found myself being really limited in hat I could eat. I just went through the meals I would normally have in my head...and just tried cutting out all of the ones that might have dairy in it. That left me with hardly anything, and it was really surprising. So, I needed a new plan of attack. Replacement.

First, I tried replacing cheese, with soy cheese. I tasted it..and it was the most horrible disgusting thing I think I have ever tasted in my life..so..i'm not going there again...lol. So, I tried to replace it with another food entirely...and so far...thats beans (and will be tofu as well). There had been many times I would eat black beans when out to eat somewhere...but i never bought them and ate them at home until this week...and i really don't know why! I made tacos the other night too, and replaced the cheese with refried beans (lol).

When it comes to Cole, I am seeing improvement in some areas, but not in others. His diapers are looking more and more yellow, and less green (except for twice...and i am assuming that these random occurences mean he is allergic to something else too...I think it may be the two time i had eggs as the main part to a meal...not sure...). There is no more blood in his diaper either. His stomach for the most part seems to feel better, but I have no idea if that is really from me stopping the dairy, or introducing the mylicon drops into his diet. His spitting up is just as horrible....but thats all for a different post. Its also kind of hard to figure out exactly whats going on with him, because of the medicine I have been on lately. Two rounds of antibiotics, and they say a side effect can be messing with his intestinal tract. So, I guess I won't really know about how dairy free is going, until I am off these meds, and they are out of both of our systems. (and, how a future doctor appointment goes concerning his spit up/throw up issues)

Pictures!

Terry Louison Photography

My little man is so cool! And so is Terry!

Terry, is an amazing family friend who I hadn't seen in years, and was in town for, i think it was about 24 hours total (or less!). She came over this morning to see everyone, and meet Cole! She is a professional photographer, and when she said she was going to take some pictures, I was so excited! She brought her whole set up, which I DID NOT expect. I think he managed to show every single expression, except for crying lol. He did something pretty cool too...pulled up his body and his head....kind of like a half sit up. I'm so glad she got a picture of it. Oh man...she got SO MANY amazing pictures...one with him holding my hand....ones of me holding him...just...everything. I am so excited. It was such a great morning. It had been way too long since I had seen Terry, and the pictures were such a bonus on top of that...lol. I can't wait to see them all..aahh!

baby...you confuse me!

So unpredictable! lol!

Lets start, about 24 hours ago. I am dead tired...and start to lie down to go to sleep. Cole decides he is hungry...and eats about 4 ounces. He is kind of awake still...but I am SO tired (and sick, with broncitis) that I just NEED to sleep. So I do. For about, 20 minutes...because I wake up to him crying. I am trying to figure out what is going on...and am cranky myself...feverish and sick...its the first point where I just walked away for a minute, just needed to destress and come back into the room calmer, because my crankiness was not going to help HIM any...he needs me calm like hes used to. For the next 20 minutes I am trying to find out whats bothering him...and it turns out...hes hungry?? So, he eats some more...about 3 ounces more...is happy...and I fall asleep....again...for about a half an hour. He is crying again, and me begging him to stop isn't working (lol). (and that in itself is unlike me...I am normally just so calm, and telling him its ok...and trying a bunch of different things...and not resorting to asking a baby for something that he has no idea what I'm talking about...lol).
I try his pacifier...which he likes for a minute...but then is acting like he does when I give that to him..but he is hungry instead. So...he wants MORE food. This continued on for a few hours....of him eating like CRAZY...I think about 15 ounces in 3 hours or so? Thats an insane amount of food. But then...he sleeps for 7 hours straight. When he wakes up, very happy, he doesn't even want to eat for at least an hour, which again, is unusual.
Now, he is eating kinda strange again, starting about 2 hours ago. He cries and acts SO hungry...I give him the bottle...he eats about 1/4 ounce...and goes to sleep...for about 15 minutes...then repeats the cycle. I don't know whats going on with this little guy? He is confusing me! lol

sick...and broken! and wipes! and no dairy! haha

Even though pregnancy is, lets say, uncomfortable (especially that last month....and then those extra two weeks where you are PAST your due date...lol)...the great thing about it is that I went into a 'remission' of sorts from my autoimmune issues. I have a strange problem with one type of white blood cell, the eosinophils, which multiply too much and are malformed...and kind of end up attacking my body. Most likely, it is an autoimmune disease called Churg Strauss syndrome, but not definitive diagnosis has been made yet. Either way, the treatment for it is the exact same as what they were already giving me for the side effect of losing my skin in 2007...oral chemotherapy medicine. Anyways, I stopped taking this stuff in February of 2009. I was just so sick of being so tired all of the time...and my skin had been back for a while so I had forgotten how unpleasant it was. It took months for those symptoms to come full on in the first place, so I figured I had a while that I could be off of it with minimal side effects. The chronic infections I get from this kept happening while I was on the medicine anyways.
So, in July, I became pregnant with Cole. (And there is always that 'maybe' pregnancy and very early miscarraige in June). My health from then until delivery infection wise, and blood count wise...was AMAZING! Really, the only health issues I had during the pregnancy, were pregnancy related. (Gestational hypertension only starting at 39 weeks, crazy swelling starting around 34-35 weeks, anemia at around 32 weeks). Only once during my entire pregnancy was I on antibiotics, and that time I took them, I don't think I even really needed them. I was in the hospital for asthma (but that happens all the time...)...and don't even think I would have ended up there if I had the right medication at home (it was right after my move from NC, and stuff got left behind).
So, flash forward to now, I still have no idea what my blood count looks like. But this I do know. I had to take 10 days of antibiotics for an infected tooth. (My teeth have been HORRIBLE ever since taking the oral chemotherapy medicine. The same thing that effects your hair and makes it fall out, effects your teeth I am told). Really, I was surprised this didn't happen DURING the pregnancy...because they were in the same state then. And now, less than 2 weeks after taking that round of antibiotics...I am given another round for broncitis. I had forgotten how crappy you feel when you are sick...and taking care of a baby when your sick? OH MAN!
I have found that I still only have the energy to take care of one person...and that person is, of course, Cole. I really need someone to take care of ME! lol! So, I am slacking today. I'm not doing any laundry. I'm not cleaning any bottles...not until I feel a little better...or need a clean bottle...lol.

On top of this, I open up my laptop, this laptop I spent a crazy amount of money getting fixed only a few months ago, and the screen is cracked AGAIN. So, I have to wait until next wednesday to get it fixed in 24 hours (instead of dropping it off and waiting days on end). Now, I was lazy yesterday, and put it next to my bed...but I made SURE to walk over it each and every time. I didn't step on it...so I dunno! Maybe a dog snuck down here if I left the door open when I left for my WIC appointment earlier today (which was so much fun..sick...urg).

I also decided today, to buy in bulk...lol. When I left the hospital a month ago, they send you home with some pampers, and some of the wipes you use in the hospital. The wipes are an off brand I have not seen in any stores...and I like the smell of them (aloe). The other brands I have bought, in the huggies, and even the 'unscented' pampers...smell like cleaning fluid to me. It was also quite expensive to buy them in the stores...so I thought I would just buy some cases of the ones I liked online. I will be getting about 2000 wipes total in the mail at some point in the next week...and i'm interested to see exactly how long they are going to last for! It will also be great to not have to worry about wipes for a while. I would love to do this with the diapers too...but hes growing so fast...and I have no idea how long he will be in each size. He was in the newborn size because stage 1 was too big, until he was about 10 1/2 pounds. Then it seemed it was overnight that they just didn't fit anymore.

It has also been about 5 days now with no dairy. Wow its hard though. Dairy seems to be in everything...even a lot of bread products, or crackers even. I seem to be living off of peanut butter and jelly lol. I love cheese...so I got some vegan soy cheese that I have yet to try. I'm going to start eating some more tofu again too, and I'm eating soy yogurt for Cole's thrush (I love silk soy milk (chocolate! lol)...but I really don't much enjoy the silk brand soy yogurt...I'm just eating it as medicine). The only other soy yogurt I found at the store, said it had its active cultures from dairy...that didn't make much sense to me! Why bother making your yogurt out of soy milk...if you are just gonna go ahead and add dairy to it anyways? And name your brand of yogurt with the word soy in it? lol!

That is it for now:) Rants over! lol