Pregnant, then not!

Moving states away, back into your mother's house when you had first 'moved out' when you were 16 and were then 24, 4 months pregnant, with 13 cents to your name, doesn't feel much like 'starting over'. When you show early like I did, places didn't even want to look at your resume. The bill collectors wouldn't stop calling, and every 3 days I had to explain WHY I couldn't pay, and who had ran up my credit card in the first place. The next couple months were spent trying to get on public assistance for medical, food, and money. I never thought I would be one that ever had to use these things, I had never imagined how someone could have stolen such a huge quantity of money out from under me either though. Either way, the whole pregnancy just felt like life was on hold. (maybe because I was creating a different life inside of me? hehe). I knew I need to give birth first before looking for and finding a job. Same goes for getting in to see the neurologist to see what damage was does exactly to my head by my ex. Same goes for trying to figure out putting together a definitive diagnosis for my likely auto-immune disease. I knew life would start to continue again for me after my son was born...and I couldn't wait to not be pregnant anymore (I think that's also what was so hard about going overdue). At the same time, I didn't feel ready to be a mom. Even when I was finally in pitocin induced labor. I didn't know the first thing about taking care of a baby, or even changing a diaper. I felt pretty disconnected, and doubted I had any maternal instincts.
I quickly found out, that I wasn't waiting for my life to stop being 'on hold'...I was waiting for my life to change completely in the best way possible. I do have maternal instincts, and they kicked in, in high gear, within the first hour after his first breath. I can't imagine living without him. My friend Jen posted a quote a little while back on facebook, that my mom stole from her and now I am (lol)

"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." - Bhagwan Shree Rejneesh

Life has changed for the better, and its not about me anymore, its all about him. I hope that I can be the best mommy for him as I can, to get a job, to be able to support us, to do well enough to be able to move back out 'on my own'. I'm so happy he is here, and I hope hes happy to be here too:)