three months (plus 1)

I'm 6 hours late in online celebration of Cole turning 3 months old...hehe. But, I plan to get him a jumperoo today to make up for it:)
I can't believe he is 3 months old already! And he is such a big baby though too....looks like he is bigger than that...haha. He can sit in his bumbo and hang out without me worrying about his head going back anymore (unless hes really tired...then he gets kinda wobbly...and shouldn't be in the bumbo anyways haha). He can hold onto stuffed animals and will looks at them and smile at them. Yesterday, for the first time on his play mat...he was batting at the stuff hanging above him and smiling (mostly at some octopus thing..hehe). He is still completely frustrated by being on his tummy. Hates it now. The strength is there...I think he just wants to move and its driving him crazy that he can't. He hasn't rolled over in a few weeks on his own...but he loves to roll when I roll him around haha. Puts a big smile on his face. When he is on his stomach on the bed he can get to his side...but on the floor he doesn't roll anywhere...just cries:(
Oh! Also, a couple of hours ago, I gave him his pacifier in his hand. He put it into his other hand..and then back to the hand I gave it to him with. A couple times he tried unsuccessfully to get it into his mouth...so I helped him out there...hehe.
Also, last night, he without a doubt was crying for me not being in the room. Sometimes he will cry and I will come in and I guess I am ending up distracting him and making him happy...UNTIL I turn my attention away from him and he really was a little hungry, or wanted a diaper change (although..I don't think hes cried for a diaper change in about a month since I'm so quick about it....only diaper related crying has been rash related, more so I think a diaper change just makes him happy to be naked haha), or needs to burp...or is gassy...something along those lines. But, when he went to sleep last night I went to go heat up some food...was half way through eating it when I hear him crying/yelling....run down to see whats going on...and he was totally ok as soon as he saw me. I even got to continue eating! He just wanted me near him. Which...I think is totally cute...but I'm sure isn't going to continue to be cute forever lol.
I had already kind of suspected he didn't like being alone about a week ago...where if during the day I would put him in his crib with the mobile and he went to sleep...distracted by the music of the mobile...as sound asleep as he would be he would wake up when it automatically goes off in about 20 minutes. Maybe it just means I need to get a little CD player for the room or something
And of course...diaper time. I think things may be getting better. Possibly. I may be speaking too soon because its only been 2 diapers I have seen improvement in...and he has been having some breast milk for about 3 or 4 days now. I had cut out corn again after speaking with nutrition services at the company who makes Neocate...and learned that yes, he could still have a corn allergy even though the main component of Neocate is corn syrup solids. There is no corn protein in it. I also had ended up contacting Earth Balance, who makes the diary free and soy free margarine that I use, and gave them positive feedback and had ended up saying that the only thing better would be a corn free version. They wrote me back, telling me that because of corn allergies popping up more and more...that the corn used in it does not have any protein, so its generally safe for people with corn allergies. Knowing that Cole can tolerate the corn in the neocate junior minus the corn, I feel safe keeping that in my diet (I know Cole couldn't tolerate the soy in the infant neocate...even though that one was minus the soy protein as well...so I'm glad he can with the corn). They are going to be sending me a coupon too, which is awesome...I'm getting lots of companies sending me coupons lately! Its awesome!
Another thing for the past two days though...and it was even intentional...was I havn't had any tomatoes/tomato products. So...that may be it too. I'm going to go about another 2 days with no tomatoes...see what happens...if hes ok I'm going to have some...and see if there is a change or not.
Well, I've got a lot to do today! Driving to either babysrus or buybuybaby (20 minutes away), need to go to wegmans (25 minutes from the baby store), need to go over to the Kia dealership (about 2 minutes away from wegmans...but don't want to drive around and have my bass getting hot in the car...so I will have to go home and get it and come back out to the same spot...that will probably take a 30 minutes) and see if my bass will fit in the Soul with a car seat in there, need to drive the bass back home (10 minutes), need to drive out to auction direct to see their car prices (20 minutes), drive back (20 minutes)...and still at some point today I need to fill out a whole bunch of paperwork still pertaining to the car accident. Oh yea, and I forgot to mention...I have to do all of this...without having a car of my own. So, I am going to need to borrow my mom's car, but I'm sure she has stuff to do this afternoon. I would like to just leave at 8am and start to get stuff done...but she won't be awake until probably 10 for me to ask her. Maybe I can just go and plan on doing the first two things and be back by 10 anyways...because I can't see her needing her car while she is asleep...hehe.
Happy 3 month (plus 1) birthday Cole! You are an awesome baby:)

observational rant

Just needed to put this out there. Raising a baby, is stressful. You don't get to sleep when you want to, just get up and go where you want to when you want to...everything revolves around a tiny baby. But don't get me wrong here, I'm not complaining! I love my little man! I just mean, its perfectly normal, for ANY mother out there, to get stressed out. Perfectly normal to have days where you break down and cry because you are overtired and stressed out. Perfectly normal to feel like you are doing a bad job, or any other types of frustrated sleep deprived fleeting thoughts you might get when you are having a little stressed out time. Luckily, for me, I have only had 2 really kind of meltdowns where I was feeling kind of depressed. And also, luckily for me, then the depressed feeling went away. For the most part, there were clear reasons for all of my feelings though. Not sleeping for a week for one. Being sick with one thing after another. Not being able to figure out what my son is allergic to...and feeling like I'm hurting him by giving him the food that is supposed to be the best for him. Issues with doctors offices and insurance companies. Car accident. These are all legitiment things to be worried about, or melt down about, in my opinion.
My two melt downs were one for being sick and overtired...and sleeping though my alarm (well, actually...kept hitting snooze...kept going back to sleep...and felt like an idiot when I hit it the last time and had noticed that it wasn't going to go off again...and then fell back asleep not on purpose) and woke up 10 minutes before Cole's 2 month well visit....when the office is 20 minutes away in good traffic and nothing was ready or put together. I felt so horrible, and it was such a reminder of the depression I used to have when I would miss apointments a lot, that I broke down and felt majorly depressed for about an hour...I was so mad at myself.
My 2nd one, was after Cole having a horrible diaper rash that was open sores...me putting him back on breastmilk to tide over a phone call to the doctor even though he was reacting badly to it....me getting through to them and them sending me a package of food in the mail....it being the wrong thing. This whole feeding Cole thing has been a long hard road. And I just cried and cried. Then went to the hospital and picked up the right stuff.
When I havnt slept for hours and hours...I get in a bad mood. I think anyone would...and I don't take it out on anyone. But, sometimes, like the other night while watching a TV show and Cole started fussing while I was holding him, I said 'hey, sshhh, quiet.' in a calm cool voice...but then was just like what? did I just tell my baby to be quiet? No I wasnt yelling or sounding angry...but really? Thats kinda weird. He only fussed for about 10 seconds anyways. I guess you just act funny when you are sleep deprived.
I think the reason for this blog post is though, because of a website I had joined while I was pregnant called cafemom. I see a lot of posts from women in there about how they are feeling who have tiny babies....and the topic of post pardum depression is a valid one. Honestly, with my history of depression, I thought for sure I might end up getting it before I had my baby. But...I don't. I think of myself as being lucky in that. A lot of women do though. Where they are depressed for days and weeks on end. Having horrible thoughts about their baby (and i'm not just talking about some flash thought through your head that you instantly feel bad for thinking...that only happened once or something like that---as in the post I had just read) I'm talking real I just don't like my baby at all thoughts. Not being able to enjoy anything going on.
But, what seems crazy to me, is how if anyone writes a post about how they are tired and havn't slept, and are cranky, and are feeling momentarily depressed because of sleep depervation, and just ranting about wanting to sleep or wanting baby to stop crying or whatever they are bothered by at the moment....that everyone else seems to jump at diagnosing someone with post pardum depression. I swear that if some of my blog ended up on there, I would have people telling me to make a doctors appointment to discuss depression. And, as much as some stuff kind of drives me crazy in my life right now....mostly the food allergy stuff that I just want to know about...I know I'm not depressed. I'm just tired.
Being in a stressed out state though....if someone had told me they thought I was depressed when I had happened to be in one of my two mini meltdowns....I think it would have made me crazier in that moment of time....thinking that then there was something medically wrong with me...and I probably would have tried to second guess all of my emotions and tried to find out if they were valid or not.
It seems to me, that most every mother out there has times once and a while where they have mini meltdowns. So, if this little mini meltdowns are so common....why is everyone pointing out post pardum depression...instead of just sharing 'yea...we have ALL been there...it will pass...it will be ok...your doing a great job'

not ready

I'm not ready to give up, but, I also think that I'm not ready to go forward for that much longer. Oh yea...and I'm talking about the breast milk here...lol.

So really, tonight I was in the kitchen, thinking about some foods that I miss...and thinking about what to eat...and was kind of having a back and forth in my head.

Should I eat peanut butter and jelly? Well, I have not eaten peanut butter in a few days...why not just cut it out completely? Theres another food to check off the list! So...I didn't make peanut butter and jelly. (I grabbed some frozen meat, and stuck it on the counter to thaw).

I have cut out tree nuts (the only tree nuts I had to begin with, were somehow included in my breathing medicine). Dairy has been out since forever it seems. Soy has been gone for a quite a while. Eggs almost just as long as the dairy has been. I only cut out corn for I think maybe 3 or 4 days...before I relized that he was not allergic to the Neocate Junior. But...in thinking about how corn is a common allergy...I just emailed Neocate to ask if it had 'corn protein' (if thats what one is allergic to in corn) in it or not. If its supposed to be ok for babies with corn allergies...I'm going to cut it out again. (minus the dairy free soy free butter....as its less than 2% corn oil in there).

What I am having such an issue with, it turns out, is tomatoes. And I really don't know of all things why that is. Maybe because with slowly limiting myself...each remaining food becomes increasingly more important. Maybe because its my last condiment? lol

I love spaggetti...I love ketchup. Those are the only two things I use tomatoes for. I can't even stand to eat them cold. But I honestly dread all of this other stuff not working...and having to take that step to cut out tomatoes. Cutting out wheat and all gluten would be a TON easier at the moment.

I am also still terribly confused about this little 'experiment' yesterday. I gave him mostly breast milk yesterday...and he had diarrhea three times yesterday, and twice today. The mucus was gone...but it was a lot of liquid. I went and looked up more info on lactase enzymes and side effects...and a side effect could be constipation...the total opposite...so maybe he had a little bug at the same time?

Ah this is so FRUSTRATING! Maybe this...maybe that...I just want to KNOW. Maybe his body needs a readjustment period to breast milk...maybe THATS the problem now. I feel like I have tried everything...adjusting my diet....worrying....and doing so much to still be giving him formula most of the time. I sit, and pump, and then don't know what to do with the milk. I have so much frozen milk that he is allergic to. Do I just keep marking and freezing?

I don't know if I am willing to take this as far as it may need to go...either. I saw a woman post on cafemom, that a friend or relative or something of hers, went months only consuming chicken and water. I don't think I can take it there....and I feel guilty for it....and just keep thinking that MAYBE...its only really one tiny little thing thats going on...maybe not allergic to things like dairy at all. Or, maybe I'm just starting to go into denial.

Maybe..maybe..maybe..

Experiment day

Today was the day, after doing some research, and (let me add I am doing this completely on my own without a doctor's ok) I started with these lactase enzyme drops I got off of amazon. It was my thinking, that since I had issues with lactose as a baby, that it could be the issue. The nutritionist said she didn't think it would be the case....because its so unheard of. My thought on the matter is...is it really as unheard of as we think it is? Maybe its unheard of to have NO lactase enzyme while you are a baby...and be 100% lactose intolerent...but I don't know how its too much to think that he just doesn't have enough of them. Doing more reading...you can also see its pretty common for babies to not have enough of the enzyme if they had been sick or something too. Being allergic to foods as well, this could have irritated his system too. And...we already KNOW he is not like other babies. What other baby is allergic to Infant Neocate? (Thinking its such an allergy to soy...that he can't even tollerate soy that has no soy protein in it).

So...diaper time.

I had been waiting all day for a dirty diaper (haha...oh the things that change when you become a mom). And...no improvement at all...so far. So, at the moment it is looking like I was wrong here. (although...i think there has been less gas today). Mostly mucus still...tiny flecks on blood...both of these things that go away when I use the Neocate Junior.

So...we will see what happens here I guess!

Its a good thing

A VERY good thing...that a) I didn't give up and start eating soy or dairy b) my crazy and risky and painful attempt (although successful) to cut back on my oversupply didn't render me milk-less and c) I didn't just scrap the whole breast milk thing even though it wasn't working anymore....because although he is still allergic to something (or just lactose intolerent) he needs to be able to eat something.

Last month, with in Infant Neocate, the pharmacy I took it to said insurance was not going to cover it, even though they had a prior authorization for it. I think it was just the pharmacy screwing up...so this time I had the Neocate Junior perscription sent to a different place. I called them to check the status, and they told me they were waiting on another prior authorization, with, I guess, wanting a more accurate number of how many ounces he would be eating. I called the GI office to help speed it along...and was kind of half hung up on. No assurances were made. I only have enough of this formula left for one more feeding...and thats only because I have been giving him half breast milk the last few days.

Only problems now, are I don't think that I am producing enough milk, daily, to feed him. If he was still having 4 ounces in a feeding I would be ok...but hes having 6.

I just really hope that everyone does what they are supposed to now...

The Culprit...

That right there...is a phone jack. And not any old phone jack...an ugly phone jack. It used to be covered up by, what else, a phone. But, I took the phone out of the basement (which, is now my room) because 1) No-one is going to be calling my mother's phone, for me, since I moved out of here ten years ago and have had the same cell number ever since and 2) It was loud...lol.

It is located on the wall right behind my bed...right next to my head (my hair even gets caught in it sometimes...its wonderful).

But to Cole...this phone jack...is the most amazing and interesting thing in the world...and he has started to make his opinions known.

The other day, while as usual this past week...Cole was sitting on my stomach and looking at the phone jack next to my head instead of me...I decide I'll give him a closer look. I move his face about 6 inches away from it and he gets all smiles. My sister comes down to see him...so...I move him back to face her...and tell her about the phone jack thing. She starts playing with it and pointing at it and he starts laughing and smiling. My sister and I then start talking...and I move him into a different position. He starting yelling at me...and getting really fussy. I joke that its because he wants to look at the phone jack...put it in his view...and he starts smiling again. After about a minute I adjust again...and he starts crying. Put him in view on the phone jack...smiling. Still not believing it could REALLY be the phone jack...I move him again five minutes later...and sure enough...yep...phone jack. Silly baby.

And just today...I think he got a girlfriend. Her name is Clock. He shy smiles at the clock. (Looks at it...starts to get a HUGE smile on his face...but is kinda shy about it...and turns his head the other way to hid it..and then looks back...lol). Oh that clock...hes in love....lol.

Award!

Yay! So, I got an award...I'm going places!!! hehe
From Mama Kalila---The not quite hippy, hippy mom

(here is another link to her new wordpress blog)

She actually inspired me to make my switch to blogspot in the first place. I had first blogged 5 years ago on msn spaces, and met some cool people (it had a feature to see the last 5 updated blogs...and some other cool features that were gone when I went back to it). Then, I started a blog at live journal, and it ended up all being about domestic violence...and was really more of a diary of my experience and my feelings..than a blog. Seeing her post her blog to her newsfeed on facebook, I decided to go ahead and make the switch over here!

So...the rules are to tag 10 people, and to make a speech about where you see yourself to be in 10 years.

In 10 years...I hope I am no longer in my mom's basement...lol. I hope to again be financially stable enough, that I am able to support Cole and myself on our own, with no need for government assistance (and with that, goes for finding a working manageable cure for my autoimmune disease...so I am ABLE to work). Even though I want to be financially stable myself for Cole, I still do hope that at some point, I do find a wonderful, caring, dorky man (lol), to fall in love with....because I really don't want to be 35 and still single...haha...and being married is the only way for more children...which I will want someday! So...I guess this is a lot of hopes instead of predictions...as my life is still kinda up in the air...hehe

Now, I only have two people to tag! (I'm breaking the rules!!) lol

Living Horowitzly
The Crystal Clan

mini meltdown day...part 2...(arg...)

I have just been thinking...all day long...more and more about Cole's nutrition. Doing more reading, directly from the Neocate website. This Neocate Junior looks great, like something I would use for Cole, if he needed it at the correct age (they also have splash, or one + which looks more like something else I would use first maybe). I think they use the Junior a lot for children who have some really serious conditions going on, sometimes through a GI tube, and for some children with other conditions that make is so they really can't eat ANY food.

I hope Cole doesn't turn out to be like that. I think hes just a baby with a food allergy...and I just can't find it yet. I mean...hes gaining weight like no-ones business. To me, he is a perfectly healthy little boy, minus the tummy hurting, mucus and blood diaper, reflux issues.

But, today, 24 hours after starting him on the Neocate Junior, he still hadn't had a dirty diaper. He was obviously not so happy about that. He was straining for hours. During this time, I called up the doctor's office. I wanted to ask a general question.

What can you give or do for a 2 month old baby who is constipated?

I thought the question was pretty basic. I look online for things, which are helpful..but a lot of suggestions seem to be for babies over the 4 month mark or the 'started on solid foods already' mark. In one place, I saw juice or karo syrup for a baby at least 2 months old. In my ignorance...I have no idea what karo syrup is, or what it does, besides, well, help you from being constipated. I didn't want to give any juice to him, unless the doctor said it was ok. But, since the formula switch was at the GI office, they wanted me to talk to them. I didn't get a call back though, until the GI office was closed...and i dread calling that office...and relaying everything through reception. and what I REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted to know about today (and broke down about) was about his nutrition on the Neocate Junior if it was gonna work for him.

The whole, formulated for older children part...the lacking DHA ARA part...the can I or should I give him vitamins from the pharmacy part. I feel like there is NO-ONE I can ask about this part...unless...they work in family or pediatric medicine...and are sitting in front of both containers of the formula...comparing...and telling me exactly of how much of which vitamin he needs each day.

But, luckily, he went to the bathroom. 3 times since then. But, what do I find? The same thing I had seen, from my breastmilk, before ever even starting on the Infant Neocate. Dark mucus, with some blood. Not a lot...not a ton...but its there. But, hes not as gassy.

So, here it all goes. I'm not taking my medicine after this can is gone. I'm not taking the new asthma medication (its not for those with a nut allergy...i don't have one...but who knows if he does)...unless I get back to the admit to the hospital point again (which may very well happen). I'm only taking my synthroid....and whatever else I deem OK to take while breastfeeding (with consulting kellymom). I am cutting out Dairy, Eggs, Corn, Tomatoes, Eggs...ok maybe I should just say what I AM going to eat. Meat, Rice, all fruit, most veggies, dairy free/soy free bread. Hopefully, then there will be no issue. If there is...I'll cut out citrus. If there still is...I will go gluten free. If he is ok on my diet.....I am going to add in 1 thing at a time...very slowly. If my health goes down hill...I'm still going to keep trying to find a formula that he can tolerate...because I need a backup (especially after my white count came back way too high the other day).

And again, I say, I thought feeding your baby would be the easy part.

mini meltdown day

So..there was the car accident on Friday...then Cole not doing so well with the infant Neocate, and stopping it on Saturday. So, of course, when I took him off of it, I had to give him something to eat! I pulled out some frozen breast milk (the most recent, hoping it had the least amount of whatever he would be allergic to), and promptly stopped all of my medicine, so I could give him some fresh stuff, which would have even LESS allergens in it since I still haven't eaten any dairy or soy.

Oh, the joys of baby poop.

The problems began with breastfed, green poop, with dark mucus, and some blood. So, the switch to formula caused what can be considered normal looking (sometimes just green liquid though...not good)...BUT NOT normal smelling (like ammonia or something) that was giving him this HORRIBLE HORRIBLE rash (along with the urine). So, when I recently switched him back to breast milk again, it changed to a good color (yellow/brown) but...was ONLY mucus. I'm sitting around again thinking...whhattt is he allergic to poor baby....what can I feed my baby to make him ok? He also started to get some painful gas again. (But now I'm also wondering, per a fellow cafemomer's blog, if it had to do with the vaccines he got on friday??)

So, on Tuesday (because of the long weekend) when I called the pediatric GI office, and told them that I took him off of the Infant Neocate, and what happened when I switched back, they said they were going to send me Neocate Junior. (Normally, for children over the age of one). I was kinda worried about that just in general, but didn't really feel like there was any other option...I mean...allergic to the hypoallergenic formula? Its crazy. And the Neocate Junior has NO soy. (Infant Neocate has a little soy, but not soy protein..so..don't know how that works anyways either). They said they were going to overnight it.

So, this morning, after having a diaper of straight, slimy mucus that came OUT of the diaper and onto the bed....and as I am in the process of changing my sheets...theres a knock on the door. I go and see a package there...its the formula! I open it up. Its Neocate Junior...CHOCOLATE flavored. I about died.

I called up peds GI right away...in tears. I had gotten my hopes up so quickly, and then dashed so quickly. I told them, I can't give my 2 month old something chocolate flavored. They agreed. When I kept being put on hold, I was looking at the can...the thing even expired in May.

So, I had my mini melt down. My 'what can I feed my baby so he is ok' melt down. Then drove 20 minutes to the hospital (still scared of driving) to illegally park with my flashers on...run inside, get the unflavored stuff (and drop off the chocolate per their request...even though it was expired...)...and head home.

I compare the ingredients between the two (luckily, too...the junior does not smell like rotten potatoes). I am still kinda worried about the whole junior being for toddlers part though. Heres the deal. Junior is made, to have 30 calories per ounce...as it is for children that don't get to switch over to soy milk or cows milk at around age one (and, assuming, not breast milk either) (In my limited formula knowledge, most formula is 20 calories per ounce, and for some babies, 22 calories). It also has directions, to mix it to make 20 calories an ounce, only under doctor's orders. Well, I am under doctors orders, so its what I'm doing. But, diluting it more, doesn't that mean hes getting even less vitamins that he needs? I have seen infant liquid supplements in the store...do I need those now? Or will that not only make up for the vitamin difference, but go overboard and hurt him? If I ask his normal docs office, they will have me ask the GI office...if I call the GI office, I dont know if I will be able to ask anyone but the receptionist. (why they have her go back and forth all the time instead of just connecting the call is beyond me.) But, I'm gonna figure it out.

Seriously...I thought the whole feeding baby part would be easy.

lol!

Nursing pads....I think most lactating women use them (and there is probably a debate about cloth vs disposible here too I just haven't heard yet lol). So, when I was pregnant, the first ones I saw were the Johnson's ones...so..thats what I ended up using.

Well, yesterday, I took Cole into the pool! I dont have a suit I can fit into yet, so I was in my clothes. Didn't think to take the pads out. Did you know that these things burst when they hold too much water and get you covered in gel?? hahaha

What a week...

This week has been crazy, with ups and downs.

Yesterday, Cole and I were in a car accident...in which my car was totaled. I am told, that I ran the stop sign (I was so shaken up I couldn't remember what happened) and hit a car in the intersection. The woman behind me kept saying she knew an accident was going to happen there...because you can't see the stop sign until its too late. We went back to check after we both got discharged from the hospital, and no...you cannot see the stop sign until you are right on top of it. Its crazy.

Cole's only 'injury' was the little mirror I had in the back so I could see him out of the rear view. If I use it again, I'm sticking duct tape on the back of it so it doesn't come off. He doesn't have a single scratch on him though!

I got cut up a bit, and bruised up kinda bad...mostly from the seat belt and the airbags.

It was crazy...because the day was spent doing Cole's 2 month check up, and getting his shots...and then me getting some lab work done at the hospital (and I crashed about 2 blocks away from the hospital).

The woman driving the other car was taken in an ambulance as well...but she was discharged before we even were...which is good! Her airbags didn't go off (probably would have been worse if they had).

Part of Cole's appointment yesterday, was taking another look at his rash on his butt. About a week ago, we were told it was thrush and he was given a medicated cream for it. Two days ago, it was almost completely gone. But then it came back even worse. I mean..that whole area has open skin and is raw...up under his scrotum and ON his scrotum. Poor baby! It hurts when he goes to the bathroom....and the smell of his urine and his dirty diapers is horrible since this switch to the neocate. He also, today, after a week on the stuff (and has been having diahrea which he never had before either), had his most mucousy stool yet.

So, I said thats it. Enough. NO MORE NEOCATE. He reacts worse to the hypoallergenic formula than he did the breast milk. My mom was thinking, maybe its corn! I think it might be. And the neocate has a lot of corn solids in it. But, I can't give him my breast milk yet either....I'm on steroids for this bronchitis/pneumonia stuff.

Its just crazy. I don't know what to feed my baby:(

Some of the ups, are that when he is not hurting...he is so happy! He is smiling like crazy! Talking up a storm! Like really, having full on conversations...multiple syllables. Its very cool. Now if we can just get all the other problems fixed..he will be a super happy baby:)