Swaddle cures all! lol

Swaddling. One of the first forms of 'clothing' Cole had to keep him warm when he was first born. After a few weeks though, it became obvious that the reason he really liked the swaddling was not the tightness of it, as much as it was that it was keeping him really warm...and then the baby clothes started to take over that function. For his first few months, he would nap like a champ. It was only when he started sleeping through the night, that his daytime naps seemed almost non-existent. He would only have about 2 or 3 that lasted anywhere from 15 to 30 minutes....and it was always a fight to get him to sleep in the first place.

So, about a week ago, when he was once again fighting his sleep to go to bed for the night (squirming then rubbing his eyes then squirming then fussing then taking the pacifier out of his mouth then crying because it was no longer in his mouth and so on) I just swaddled him. He was asleep in about 60 seconds. So, I tried swaddling him when he got tired for his naps too. Now, he will take 2 naps a day for anywhere between and hour and two hours. Its kind of amazing.

The only problem, is that there are not receiving blankets for 7 month olds, who are already 23 pounds and nearly 30 inches tall. So, just swaddling his arms seems to work fine...and he loves it. It calms him down right away.

Its funny how things like that change....where he used to care less about being swaddled and now he loves it....and its awesome for him to get some much needed sleep during the day. He also goes to bed at 9 now, instead of midnight!

Rice?

It might be a rice allergy that Cole has. Of course, its one of the only things NOT checked off on those little boxes when he got his blood tests done last friday, and our next appointment is not until February.

Heres the deal. Rice was his third food (stopped pears kinda early because of throwing up...but i'm thinking its a sweetness/reflux issue). He showed no signs of anything bad with the rice, besides just plain not liking the stuff. Same reaction to the earth's best kind, as the brown rice super pourage kind. Doesn't like it. Let me also add, that during the time of adding rice to his diet, he had a constant runny nose, and cough. (he still has a runny nose and cough now but its not as bad as it was). So, next I started feeding him green beans and rice (earth's best kind). He had that pretty much as a staple, mixed with a little sweet potato. I started to notice, that after every time he ate he started to get stuffy. But that was it.

At some point, I introduced apples into his diet. On this day, he got a rash on his face. The next day too...so...I stopped the apples. I also stopped using the boogie wipes that I had just gotten as well, and thought its either the apples I was feeding him, or the boogie wipes on his face. I stopped both of them. Then, two days ago, without thinking, I used one on his sippy cup. He had apricots, and again, I was thinking, either apricots or boogie wipes.

Yesterday, the only foods he ate were sweet potato, and apricot. No face rash.

So, this morning, I mix his rice cereal with some prunes so he will eat it (I know that prunes are ok). He has a rash on his face. Hes really sneezy. Yes, he was kinda sneezy when he woke up today too...but...I think something is going on here.

It doesn't seem that rice is causing him a noticeable digestive issue, but this rash thing on his face is kind of alarming.

An allergy to rice, could either be a really good thing, or a really bad thing. Rice is something that I eat constantly, and is even part of an elimination diet when breast feeding...and a lot of you reading this will know, I had to stop breast feeding because he was still allergic to something in my diet. If hes ONLY allergic to rice...and nothing else...then we can figure out ways around this...just like with other foods you have to eliminate. But, if for some reason, its rice on top of everything else? Yea..we're kinda screwed.

If it is rice, and I'm just wrong about the prunes.

I wish there was a way to get him to eat the stuff without adding anything to it.

Cole eating food

Cole ate food!!

Yay! Happy half birthday little man!!
This is what he looked like BEFORE he ate food...lol
I first steamed a bunch of sweet potatoes, then pureed most of them with some of his formula. The rest I mashed or cut into little pieces.
I don't know how much he really liked it, it looks to be like not much, but it was fun:) I somehow posted a video from youtube and I think it ended up in a different post, and for some reason blogger isn't letting me add more photos at the moment, but I will try later:)

hm..

Well, I have gone back and forth for months now about writing something about this, because if I don't write it exactly right, its going to come off wrong and people are going to get angry with me, which is not my intention. So, I'm going to go ahead, and attempt to write this exactly right...lol.

I am sick and tired, of not being treated the way I feel I should be treated a lot of the time. Ok, and that may have come off wrong, so let me explain.

If you have siblings, you know how when you are younger and growing up, you get into fights a lot about this or that, or do things purposefully to make your other sibling angry...I mean, generic kid stuff. It happens. But, doesn't it have to come to a point, at some time, when those things change? When its NOT ok to keep doing that? Or, am I supposed to just take it, just because its my sister? I mean, of course its not all of the time. Sometimes shes great, helps watch Cole like she did last night when I had a concert, or if I have a doctor's appointment that I can't bring him with me to. But, what I am not ok with, is when she is in a bad mood, for her to feel that it is OK to take that bad mood out of me. How sometimes, she will storm through the room, completely ignoring me while I'm with Cole. I can ask her a question and she can just keep on walking. Now, right now Cole is too young to understand, but what is he going to think in like a year? I also do not appreciate hearing lies, and hearing fake sympathy for others. The type of person who causes issues, but then does everything they can to forget about the bad things they have done, because if they keep thinking about the bad things they keep doing they feel really bad, but never address what makes them do those bad things, and in turn, don't apologize or let themselves even feel remorse for them.

I don't like turning into the bad person, because I ask, after not asking for 3 days, for my sister to clean up the piles of dishes of hers in the kitchen. I don't think that should turn me into the bad guy, especially when I am going out of my way to try to sound upbeat and un-naggy.

Also, I would so much rather be told, 'i'm in a bad mood and I don't want to talk' or 'I don't want to tell you', instead of being lied to and/or ignored.

My mom does not want to be in the middle of all of this, but, she puts herself there. And I'm not sure why, because the whole time she does it, she says she doesn't want to. And, because (and we all know this) my sister tends to only tell half of the story about anything, and because of course my mom doesn't not have all of the info, I get the a lot of her coming to me jumping to conclusions without all of the facts. I have brought this up to her, saying that it hurts me, and yet it still seems to happen. Frequently.

I'm not exactly sure what I am supposed to do now. But, honestly, I'm sick of feeling hurt a lot.

Recently, I put up a facebook status talking about being sick of being lied to. I had overheard my mother ask my sister if some guy was not a good guy, and that was it. I asked my mom what that was about, concerned, and she immediately got defensive and told me it was not her place and to ask her myself. So, I did. My sister tried to act like she had no idea what I was talking about...and then kept walking out of the room mostly ignoring me completely. If she had just said she didn't want to tell me about it, fine...its the way she goes about it...like the way she always does, that bothers me. Hence, my facebook status.

But, I end up getting a message from my mother telling me how its out of line, and completely defensive.

I end up having to clarify a facebook status!

Then she says she doesn't want to be in the middle of it.

The middle of what? You don't? Then why did I get this message.

This is just the same cycle that keeps happening....about every tiny little thing.

I don't want to act childish and say 'no, i'm not talking to my sister any more'....but honestly, I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. I want respect, and if I don't get respect, I don't want to keep dealing with someone who can continuously be rude to me, and I don't want to put up with it any more. And, every time I stick up for myself, in whatever way I choose to, I get reprimanded by a third party who doesn't want to be in the middle.

What do I do? Any suggestions welcome...

Sleeping

So, sleep seems to be a topic that comes up I think from the most people since Cole has been born, with advice from his doctor, nurse practitioner, my mom, friends, and so on. I would first like to start out by saying that everyone should do what they feel is right for their child. You know your child better than anyone.

I have been told by a lot of people that its ok to let him cry. My doctor seemed to be more so just telling me its alright if its what I choose to do, and the nurse practioner was suggesting I do it. My mom has told me that it is important to get him to the point where he can calm himself, and get himself to sleep without my help.

Now, I agree with my moms point of view. I think it is important, that he gets to a point where falling asleep by himself can be done. With this in mind, I will put him in his crib for naps, or down to bed for the night in his nap nanny when he is tired and try to get him to go to sleep by himself. He has done it and can do it. What I will not do, and can't bring myself to do, is to just let him full on cry. Sometimes he just goes to sleep quietly, and others he kind of 'sings' himself to sleep, vocalizing and making raspberry sounds. Sometimes, he does a fake cry for about 15 seconds. Thats different. But, I just can't bring myself to just let him cry it out, and I know a lot of people use this method.

The reason? I'm not convinced its ok for him. I have read some things (and of course I won't be able to find the exact links right now) that have said that crying it out doesn't have any scientific backing that it is ok for a baby's mental state, and that a lot of babies who have 'learned' to not cry and get themselves to sleep that way, have actually become kind of depressed. (Not all, some). I know I wouldn't want my baby crying thinking "mommy doesn't want to come get me, she doesn't care that I'm crying, so I guess I'll just deal with it myself even though I'm not even 6 months old".

I know that if hes crying, he wants me for some reason or another. Either because his teeth hurt, because he has a little cold, because he wants SOMETHING. So, I'm going to provide that for him. That doesn't mean, that what I choose to do now, isn't going to change later on. If I'm ok with him needing me a lot when hes sleeping/getting to sleep now, and if I'm ok with co-sleeping still now, that does not mean that its going to be the same thing when he is a teenager. I've been asked the question of 'when'. Well, when I feel hes ready, and I feels he actually has more of an understanding than he does now.

When it comes to co-sleeping, if it gets to the point where its possible for him to try to get up and crawl and fall off of the bed while I'm sleeping, then thats when hes going to start sleeping in his crib. I don't know when that is going to be, so I can't place a label on that.

When it comes to him crying, if he is able to walk around and its obvious that his crying for me to help him get to sleep, or him not wanting to sleep, is somewhere along the lines of a temper tantrum, thats also a different story.

I know full well that this means I'm getting a whole lot less sleep then a lot of people out there, but I'm ok with what. I am hoping that this among other things I do, is what is helping my son to be such a happy silly baby most of the time too (and the biggest flirt in the grocery store!)

time off...

Hey! So, obviously, I took some time off of here...hehe. Actually, there was some stuff going on around the house that was making me kind of crazy, so I thought I might end up over at wordpress since you can password protect certain blogs. So, I created one, and wrote, and then I felt better, and didn't see a need to continue there. Only problem? Forgot to come back here, but, SARAH, I promised, so here I am...lol.

I have a lot to catch up on!

Cole and I went on our first road trip. We went to northern VA/DC area to see an interlochen friend of mine, her husband and their adorable little baby. It was so much fun! She taught cole how to push up with his arms when we were there too! From there we went to NYC for only a couple of hours to see Jen, who was my roommate when I lived there, and it was amazing because I had not seen her in forever! We stopped in NJ that night, and then continued on back to upstate NY the next day. All in all it was about 1000 miles of driving.

About a week ago, Cole finally learned how to roll over from tummy to back, and has since become an expert..lol. He still doesn't try to crawl anywhere, but if you pick up his back legs he will push up with his arms.

Tonight, we ended up at the ER. Cole had been wheezing only when he was coughing, or right before he would cough...and with my asthma being so terrible it was alarming. Luckily, its just a bad cough and continuation of a head cold, and does not have the wheezing in his lungs. But today while in there, he sat by himself for about 3 or 4 minutes straight. Its kind of strange that he went from not even trying to move anywhere, to doing so much in such a short amount of time!

He turns 6 months old on the 28th, and we will start solid foods that day as well, starting with sweet potatoes, that I am going to make myself:)

And now, the not so happy news I guess. The 28th also marks the end of my restraining order, and, there have been some strange car happenings the last few days...like being followed out of thin air, and cars parked or standing next to the house only to drive away if you go out there. Kind of alarming. I had kind of hoped, that since my ex was in a relationship that would also help with the him staying away part, kind of like his mind is occupied somewhere else. But, it seems, as of tonight, through what I like to think of as my spying to make sure we stay safe, it seems that their relationship has ended, which, has prompted me to take some drastic online measures.

My screen name that I had used for everything, and I mean everything, I think might be pretty well known to him. I mean, if you type it into google, everything pops up. (I have tried searching for this blog on google, but can't find it so I am feeling pretty safe about that, if anyone sees differently please let me know). I also had my facebook as private as possible and he was blocked, but to further discourage interaction, and since pages I posted on on facebook were not private and searchable through google, I came up with a new random name. One he wouldn't think to ever search for. I have also used that name to come up with a new email address, and new cafemom screen name. I'm going to use it as well for new things like a youtube account. This may seem drastic and crazy to some, but I won't have my restraining order any more, because I have no basis to renew it. Its my hope, that if he tries to find any information related to me, that he will then be unsuccessful and maybe then give up.

So yes, I promise more updates more often! Have a great night everyone:)

clothes clothes and more clothes!

Today was a day filled with shopping! (and this post is going to be filled with rambling about clothes, because its 530 in the morning!) It wasn't supposed to be. It was supposed to be a quick trip to macys. I wanted white t-shirts in the 6-9 month size. Or just some plain regular t-shirts that were not white. I'm really kind of lazy sometimes with the whole snapping of the onsie on the bottom thing...and thought it would just be easier to just have a t shirt instead. (we have had a few of them, and I love em). There were also some shirts that I have had this summer, that have a little collar, and have little shorts kind of with them. I love those because they are all in one, and if he doesn't spit up...they are really practical for the whole day if i'm in the house or out of the house. (I feel wrong taking my baby out of the house in ONLY a onsie...just because I think people would stare at me and wonder why my baby was not wearing pants or shorts....and I also feel that people would look at me funny if he was just wearing a sleeper. He doesn't like to wear pants/shorts a ton..but sure looks cute in them!).

I think I am having so much fun with this shopping though...because I get to choose everything myself. Most of my newborn and 0-3 month clothes, were given to me by my next door neighbors cousin, whos son was 4 months old when Cole was born. It was really nice of them. Without me going out and spending a ton of money on clothes, I got a little variety of each kind of thing...and got to see what worked well for me and what didn't...and what things I would never use. Cole probably wore normal socks twice. They wouldn't stay on. The hats wouldn't stay on either. I also completely fell in love with the fleece sleepers. Amazing. I had one newborn sized one and another 0-3 month one. Anyways, some of the clothes were just not my style at all. And, if they were not from the woman who gave me the clothes, they were from other family members (all of the clothes from my sister Brenda were amazing though!). Point being, that I didn't get to really pick out a wardrobe for him.
3-6 month size clothes, came brand new (still some used from the same woman), from everyone in the neighborhood and family members AFTER he was born...and they were all pretty amazing. A neighbor on the other side of the house, bought Cole a ton of little outfits (t shirts and shorts, and those onsie short sleeves with shorts things i mentioned) and they were all things I would have probably bought had i seen them in the store. I got to do some shopping too for some clothes, but admittedly, I purchased more things for him that would be 'fun' to wear...more than stuff i would just use every day. (I got him a little set with a onsie, soft pants and a matching hoodie...I love hoodies...but its summer...and I havn't had him outside on a cold night yet...I bought him two pairs of jean shorts...one pair he wears because they are soft...the other he hasn't worn once..and so on)
So, starting with the 6-9 month size of clothes, I get to really pick it all...hehe. Ok, So I'm going to get back to the whole shopping today part again!
I went to Macys, and started looking at the sales racks....for the baby tshirts I wanted. I found a colared tshirt on sale, then of course saw cute button up shirts and jeans and had to buy those in the 12 month size. I wanted to get a sleeper in the 6-9 month size, but I didn't LOVE any of the ones in that store. I found a pack of onsies, that were plain, in colors I liked, but they didn't have them in 6-9 month (so i got them in 12 month). Since we were in the mall (it was me, my mom, and Cole) I asked her if it would be ok to go into another store real quick. (we were only supposed to stop at one, because she was then supposed to meet her friend over at home depot for a very important carpet buying decision...lol). She said sure...so we went to bon ton. Their clothing selection was very limited....but they did end up having a very cute hooded sweatshirt for 40% off. As well as a white long sleeved onsie in that kind of long underwear/thermal kind of fabric. Still on my search for a white t shirt...my mom took the car around to the other side of the mall to JC Penny...as I walked over there with Cole. Found some more stuff...like a fleece sleep sack for ages 0-9 months. Awesome way to keep Cole's legs warm for the baby who doesn't like to wear pants..and kicks off blankets as a hobby. All of the sales racks were filled...with hardly anything in the 6-9 month size. Got some long sleeved white onsies for 6-9 months. After this, my mom walked over to home depot. I went on to lord and taylor. Their selection was only as big as bon-tons...but wow everything was expensive. This was the first store that had a winter jacket I liked for Cole...so I got it...and it ended up being 40% off at the check out counter. They had an amazingly cute snow suit, but the size would have been too small....maybe this is something I could find at goodwill (family friend gave Cole an LL Bean tobagin/sled thing as a present for the winter...I can't wait to use this thing like crazy and don't want him to get cold!). I even stopped in gymborie...nothing. So, I went to Sears. Sears, by far, had more of what I was looked for. The onsie shirt/shorts things on a huge sale. Had some t-shirts with prints on them but they came with shorts (so i didn't buy them). They had joe boxer fleece sleepers on sale for 40% off (I swear all the cold weather stuff was 40% off today...while all the winter weather stuff was at least 60%). I got FOUR of them, in the 12 month size (can always move up in the sleeper sizes quicker...a few of his 3-6 month sleepers are a little small now).
So, after going to 6 stores and buying things in 5 of them...I had a lot of clothes. I thought to myself how strange I must have looked. I was wearing a 10 dollar dress from old navy, that I had previously tripped over since i'm short that had a rip on the bottom....and I could care less. I HATE shopping for myself. But shopping for Cole is so much fun!
I tried to line things up, with the rate he has been growing. I also have no idea when the weather gets cold up here. When I was younger I can remember being in fall clothes in september...but now I think it may stay warm up here until october.
The sad thing is though, that this isn't the first time I have bought 6/9 month clothes or 12 month clothes. I bought some a couple of weeks ago too (but not a lot).

my health

I have had a kinda crazy health history....In high school I used to be thin/average weight, in good shape and in pretty good health. When i was 16/17/18 I started getting sick more often. Gained weight very quickly as well, due to a sensitivity to steroids as well as hypothyroid. When I was 18 and still in high school, my ulnar nerves in my arm('funny bone') started not working so well. I would drop things (like my bow), I would get shooting nerve pain, then pins and needles, then numbness. When I was 18 in college I got strep throat/tonsilitis. I was on antibiotics for almost 8 months straight, until I got surgery in June of 2004 to remove my tonsils and part of my throat. (Had to get rid of the infection somehow if CIPRO wasn't working...) That experience was seriously on par with childbirth (I can't actually say that now!). My mental state went completely down hill...I was sick all the time. I stopped school...started living between my moms house and my then boyfriends apartment in new york city still...and got some much needed mental care. Got working out every day, which made me feel a whole lot better....and I made the choice to move back to New York City and take some classes. I ended up back in music school again, and did pretty well that year. I, of course, got sick more often than most people, but I made it through. I was engaged by the end of that school year, and we moved down to North Carolina. I had auditioned and gotten in to a cheaper school, only to find out I needed to take 5 more classes at a community college to really transfer. (difference in requirements between conservatory, and a state school with a music program). I finished about a month of school there, until I started getting really sick. My breathing was terrible. I kept getting broncitis, and then developed pneumonia. My oxygen levels were low, and I ended up in the hospital. I started getting rashes a lot, that would turn into a staph infection before I even moved to North Carolina...but they were very localized. Now, they seemed to be taking up more of my body. About the third time in a nearly a year, I was admitted to the hospital again for breathing, to shock the medical staff that at that point, I had lost nearly all of the first layer of my skin on my body (except half of my face). I ended up getting an awesome dermatologist, and got a diagnosis of pserioform atopic dermatitis with eosinophils. Eosinophils, are a type of white blood cell that combats allergies. The answer to lowering this number of white blood cell in my body and getting my skin back? Oral chemotherapy medicine. I was so tired all of the time. About 3/4 of my hair fell out...and what was left was so thin I cut it...and it stopped growing. My teeth got HORRIBLE. Falling apart. My eyes were sunken in and I looked tired all of the time. I started this medicine in 2007. In February of 2009, I stopped this medicine...I was sick of it. Slowly I started to feel a little bit better. A little bit more energy. In July I was pregnant with Cole. In August, I saw a show called mystery diagnosis, on discovery health channel. I saw a woman, who kept getting sick all of the time. Infection after infection. She started having nerve problems. She got a rash on her entire body. She kept getting pneumonia. They found out, she had a high amount of eosinophils in a lung bioposy. She was diagnosed with a condition, called Churg-Strauss.

http://www.cssassociation.org/about_the_syndrome.asp

Just looking at the list of symptoms...I have about enough already, that would give me this diagnosis. But, other tests, could not be done during pregnancy.

During my pregnancy, I was hospitilized once for breathing issues. Besides that, I went nearly 9 months without having an infection. I never knew that was possible. My eosinophil levels were in normal range. Pregnancy is amazing when it comes to issues like this. Its classic for auto immune issues to go into remission when you are pregnant. Within two months of giving birth, I had already been on 4 rounds of antibiotics (2 rounds for tooth infections, and got 2 pulled, one for broncitis and one for pneumonia), 2 rounds of steroids for breathing, (and I am very sensitive to steroids). Just yesterday, I started on my 5th round of antibiotics since Cole was born, for what again? Broncitis. And, another round of steroids (and, due to my sensitivity, have already gained 6 pounds...the swelling hurts...but it dramatically helps my breathing).

I saw a pulmonary doctor for the first time up here at the very end of July. I told him, that I did not have a diagnosis of churg-strauss syndrome, but it was something I was trying to work on getting a diagnosis of with my primary care doctor (I just want a yes or no...something has been going on for years...and I just want to know WHAT it is). He gave me yet another inhaled steroid to try (lasted 2 and a half days til the symptoms i knew i couldn't put up with forever), and did some more allergy blood work. Found out I am really really really allergic to dogs...doesn't help when I'm with 4 of em. I saw him again on the 13th, and I am a candidate for a new drug called Xolair. It works directly to attack the IgE levels in the blood...the levels that respond to certain allergins like dogs, cats, dust, mold...all of that stuff. He has had a lot of success with this drug, but it does come with some serious possible side effects. For example, I will be required to carry an epi pen around with me at all times. I could go into shock. I need to get this shot every two weeks, and can only do it in a doctors office. When I move and don't have animals, I can go to every month.

I was doing some more reading about it, and found out that it has a .5% chance of causing cancer. Lovely.
And then I see something that is kind of shocking on the Xolair website, in the perscribing info...having to do with this little known churg strauss syndrome of all things...

"5.5 Eosinophilic Conditions
In rare cases, patients with asthma on therapy with Xolair may present with serious systemic eosinophilia sometimes presenting with clinical features of vasculitis consistent with Churg-Strauss syndrome, a condition which is often treated with systemic corticosteroid therapy. These events usually, but not always, have been associated with the reduction of oral corticosteroid therapy. Physicians should be alert to eosinophilia, vasculitic rash, worsening
pulmonary symptoms, cardiac complications, and/or neuropathy presenting in their patients. A causal association between Xolair and these underlying conditions has not been established."

So, I might have Churg-Strauss, or something very close to it...but if I don't...I could just take this medicine and get it anyways. Hm. It doesn't say anything about the safety of this medicine if I DO have this though. Churg-Strauss is grim enough, without having to make it WORSE. (In the most recent study on life expectancy, only half of the people in the study lived past 10 years after diagnosis..problem being that the eosinophils attack the entire body, including major organs, thinking its something your body is allergic to. You are literally allergic to yourself)

I just want to know whats going on here. By now, I don't have any feeling from my elbows down into my hands on one side of my arm, and don't feel my pinky finger or half of my ring finger. I have muscle degeneration already on my right hand. I was told, that if I don't get surgery to move the nerve into the inside of my arm, I won't have enough dexterity to continue to be a musician in 10 years. I also started getting neuropathy in my legs, and got an MRI a few months back that I find out about on Friday.
I have lymphdonopathy...which is a fancy way of saying enlarged lymph nodes...that stay large.
My eosinophil count in my blood is already double 'normal' levels again...and the rash is started to show itself again on my right hand and on my head. I don't know what my level is on my skin now.
Still, I am having infection after infection after infection...and more serious breathing issues than I ever had growing up with asthma. I have gotten pneumonia way too many times in my life.
I have had heart issues, that seemed to get better while on the oral chemotherapy, most notably, pitted edema in my legs. Pitting edema is most commonly caused by two things. Either a) high sodium level (mine has actually been low or low normal every single blood test I have gotten) and b) a heart valve issue (I have a slight mitral valve prolapse, but nothing that could cause edema. A less common answer for it, is a vasculitis condition, which churg-strauss is.
All of these, are symptoms of Churg-Strauss syndrome. I just have not found anyone to put together the pieces yet. And now, I am freaking out, because I really want to breath. I cannot remember the last time I didn't wheeze...or was able to take a full breath.

All of these things, are going to effect Cole. I need to make my decisions with him in mind. He needs a mama who can breath...so I can play outside with him. He needs a mom who isn't sick all of the time. I need to figure this whole thing out...and its still just some huge waiting game...with doctors not really communicating with each other.

Doctor day

So, we went to see his GI specialist today. He was 15 pounds, 6 ounces....and they said 24 inches....but he was 24 inches a month ago and its obvious to the naked eye he has grown since then...so who knows...lol.

I'm thinking of renaming my blog to the amazing adventures of baby poop. No, not really..but...seems fitting for the moment lol.

He has been on only neocate junior for a little while now...but...on saturday the little things of mucus I was still seeing that I thought were just still happening from breast milk...are obviously now happening again. There was blood again. I mean..come oonnn now. How can he really be allergic to hypoallergenic protein free formula? Really? So, there is one more to try. Its called elecare...also prescription but this one is from the makers of similiac I guess. We will see how this goes. He might be doomed to pooping mucus out of his butt forever it seems like...I am so at a loss. She also thinks his screaming might be muscle cramps...but I dunno what to do for that? (He does this thing...where out of no-where...he screams and cries like he is seriously in pain...and then is fine in about 30 seconds to a minute...I have no idea what to do for him). Also, since he seems to be spitting up more than usual while taking the zantac, he is being switched over to a different medicine for his reflux. (when he doesn't take the medicine he isn't spitting up as much anymore...but you can hear him spitting up into his mouth and swollowing it...and it effects his voice...sounds really raspy).

I'm just kind of at a loss right now though....mostly because on saturday...when I looked at his diaper...it looked EXACTLY like the diapers he had before we even did the switch to formula. Exactly. So I was thinking maybe it wasn't food allergies. Thinking we did all of this for nothing...and its really something else. She said today though, that this is the only thing it sounds like. If he doesn't tollerate the elecare, I am going to be doing my own research of things to bring up to see what she says about it.

poor baby

Its the end

Well, I think its the end of my 'breast feeding' days...and it has me pretty sad. Its gotten to a point where If I do continue..its going to get kind of crazy. With my last blog..I thought maybe he was doing well with it. My mom changed a diaper when she was watching him...and said it didn't look good. Then the next few were mucus. This is without dairy, or soy, or corn, or eggs, or tomatoes. Then, starting two days ago...a skin reaction started. I had read, that baby acne can be caused by a hormonal reaction, and also by a food reaction. Well, he had baby acne..and it went away. But now...he has spots all over his face and his chest. He even looked like for a few hours that he might have been getting a tiny case of hives. The next step would have been cutting out rice...if that didn't work...then wheat or gluten...and I have been going at this for what seems like so long. I hate the whole 'I tried, it didn't work' excuse. I know this is me being somewhat selfish. If only blood tests could be done to tell me exactly what he is allergic to, things could be different. I honestly believe that he is not allergic to everything...I think its just 2 or 3 things and I can't pin-point what they are. Its going to be crazy when he does start on solid food...because then he starts from HIS elimination diet (of Neocate Junior)...and I can try one thing at a time with him. It will be easy to tell what is causing him a reaction and what isn't.

I am still struggling with what I should eat though. Should I just keep the dairy and soy out of my diet, and the corn..just because of everything I have read and learned about how it can be bad for me? It was so much easier cutting these foods out when I was doing it for Cole. But for myself, letting these foods back in could mean I would start eating horribly again...not that I'm eating so great now anyways. I think I need to seriously think about what foods I should and shouldn't eat for myself though...and stick to a 'diet' that will be healthy for me. I need to loose this weight for my health...and I also need to do it for Cole. I remember when I was a kid, about how mean kids can be. He already is going to have to deal with the whole 'no father' part...I don't want him to have to deal with being embarrassed with the 'big mother' part too.

8 more pounds to go, until I can really start exercising...would have been there already if it wasn't for the two courses of steroids my body doesn't tolerate very well...

On a good note, yesterday Cole got his jumperoo! and he LOVES it! He is still too tiny to reach the floor...so he needs a pillow under there...but he loves to bounce. I got the precious planet blue sky jumperoo...and he keeps staring at this red and yellow ball on it...hehe. I also got my car. I like it in the white. I still need someone to help me out for a few minutes though, as I cannot judge the distance on the front of it. I went to park at wegmans yesterday to pick up my prescriptions...got out of the car...and saw I was 6 feet away from the car in front of me...lol. I am still totally terrified to drive though. When going down a main road..and cars are pulling up and stopping at stop signs..I keep thinking they are going to drive through them. I keep hearing the accident. Driving on the interstate is the only place I don't freak out. I think the other reason, is that in the Jeep I really had NO blind spots. I could see everything...and could completely trust my mirrors. Other cars don't have this luxury. I keep looking over my shoulder and the mirrors and still second guess myself.

Today, I am heading off to my grandparents on my fathers side. Maybe they will go baby crazy and I can take a nap...lol. For the past couple days Cole has been really fussy...and waking up every two hours. I'm exhausted.

three months (plus 1)

I'm 6 hours late in online celebration of Cole turning 3 months old...hehe. But, I plan to get him a jumperoo today to make up for it:)
I can't believe he is 3 months old already! And he is such a big baby though too....looks like he is bigger than that...haha. He can sit in his bumbo and hang out without me worrying about his head going back anymore (unless hes really tired...then he gets kinda wobbly...and shouldn't be in the bumbo anyways haha). He can hold onto stuffed animals and will looks at them and smile at them. Yesterday, for the first time on his play mat...he was batting at the stuff hanging above him and smiling (mostly at some octopus thing..hehe). He is still completely frustrated by being on his tummy. Hates it now. The strength is there...I think he just wants to move and its driving him crazy that he can't. He hasn't rolled over in a few weeks on his own...but he loves to roll when I roll him around haha. Puts a big smile on his face. When he is on his stomach on the bed he can get to his side...but on the floor he doesn't roll anywhere...just cries:(
Oh! Also, a couple of hours ago, I gave him his pacifier in his hand. He put it into his other hand..and then back to the hand I gave it to him with. A couple times he tried unsuccessfully to get it into his mouth...so I helped him out there...hehe.
Also, last night, he without a doubt was crying for me not being in the room. Sometimes he will cry and I will come in and I guess I am ending up distracting him and making him happy...UNTIL I turn my attention away from him and he really was a little hungry, or wanted a diaper change (although..I don't think hes cried for a diaper change in about a month since I'm so quick about it....only diaper related crying has been rash related, more so I think a diaper change just makes him happy to be naked haha), or needs to burp...or is gassy...something along those lines. But, when he went to sleep last night I went to go heat up some food...was half way through eating it when I hear him crying/yelling....run down to see whats going on...and he was totally ok as soon as he saw me. I even got to continue eating! He just wanted me near him. Which...I think is totally cute...but I'm sure isn't going to continue to be cute forever lol.
I had already kind of suspected he didn't like being alone about a week ago...where if during the day I would put him in his crib with the mobile and he went to sleep...distracted by the music of the mobile...as sound asleep as he would be he would wake up when it automatically goes off in about 20 minutes. Maybe it just means I need to get a little CD player for the room or something
And of course...diaper time. I think things may be getting better. Possibly. I may be speaking too soon because its only been 2 diapers I have seen improvement in...and he has been having some breast milk for about 3 or 4 days now. I had cut out corn again after speaking with nutrition services at the company who makes Neocate...and learned that yes, he could still have a corn allergy even though the main component of Neocate is corn syrup solids. There is no corn protein in it. I also had ended up contacting Earth Balance, who makes the diary free and soy free margarine that I use, and gave them positive feedback and had ended up saying that the only thing better would be a corn free version. They wrote me back, telling me that because of corn allergies popping up more and more...that the corn used in it does not have any protein, so its generally safe for people with corn allergies. Knowing that Cole can tolerate the corn in the neocate junior minus the corn, I feel safe keeping that in my diet (I know Cole couldn't tolerate the soy in the infant neocate...even though that one was minus the soy protein as well...so I'm glad he can with the corn). They are going to be sending me a coupon too, which is awesome...I'm getting lots of companies sending me coupons lately! Its awesome!
Another thing for the past two days though...and it was even intentional...was I havn't had any tomatoes/tomato products. So...that may be it too. I'm going to go about another 2 days with no tomatoes...see what happens...if hes ok I'm going to have some...and see if there is a change or not.
Well, I've got a lot to do today! Driving to either babysrus or buybuybaby (20 minutes away), need to go to wegmans (25 minutes from the baby store), need to go over to the Kia dealership (about 2 minutes away from wegmans...but don't want to drive around and have my bass getting hot in the car...so I will have to go home and get it and come back out to the same spot...that will probably take a 30 minutes) and see if my bass will fit in the Soul with a car seat in there, need to drive the bass back home (10 minutes), need to drive out to auction direct to see their car prices (20 minutes), drive back (20 minutes)...and still at some point today I need to fill out a whole bunch of paperwork still pertaining to the car accident. Oh yea, and I forgot to mention...I have to do all of this...without having a car of my own. So, I am going to need to borrow my mom's car, but I'm sure she has stuff to do this afternoon. I would like to just leave at 8am and start to get stuff done...but she won't be awake until probably 10 for me to ask her. Maybe I can just go and plan on doing the first two things and be back by 10 anyways...because I can't see her needing her car while she is asleep...hehe.
Happy 3 month (plus 1) birthday Cole! You are an awesome baby:)

observational rant

Just needed to put this out there. Raising a baby, is stressful. You don't get to sleep when you want to, just get up and go where you want to when you want to...everything revolves around a tiny baby. But don't get me wrong here, I'm not complaining! I love my little man! I just mean, its perfectly normal, for ANY mother out there, to get stressed out. Perfectly normal to have days where you break down and cry because you are overtired and stressed out. Perfectly normal to feel like you are doing a bad job, or any other types of frustrated sleep deprived fleeting thoughts you might get when you are having a little stressed out time. Luckily, for me, I have only had 2 really kind of meltdowns where I was feeling kind of depressed. And also, luckily for me, then the depressed feeling went away. For the most part, there were clear reasons for all of my feelings though. Not sleeping for a week for one. Being sick with one thing after another. Not being able to figure out what my son is allergic to...and feeling like I'm hurting him by giving him the food that is supposed to be the best for him. Issues with doctors offices and insurance companies. Car accident. These are all legitiment things to be worried about, or melt down about, in my opinion.
My two melt downs were one for being sick and overtired...and sleeping though my alarm (well, actually...kept hitting snooze...kept going back to sleep...and felt like an idiot when I hit it the last time and had noticed that it wasn't going to go off again...and then fell back asleep not on purpose) and woke up 10 minutes before Cole's 2 month well visit....when the office is 20 minutes away in good traffic and nothing was ready or put together. I felt so horrible, and it was such a reminder of the depression I used to have when I would miss apointments a lot, that I broke down and felt majorly depressed for about an hour...I was so mad at myself.
My 2nd one, was after Cole having a horrible diaper rash that was open sores...me putting him back on breastmilk to tide over a phone call to the doctor even though he was reacting badly to it....me getting through to them and them sending me a package of food in the mail....it being the wrong thing. This whole feeding Cole thing has been a long hard road. And I just cried and cried. Then went to the hospital and picked up the right stuff.
When I havnt slept for hours and hours...I get in a bad mood. I think anyone would...and I don't take it out on anyone. But, sometimes, like the other night while watching a TV show and Cole started fussing while I was holding him, I said 'hey, sshhh, quiet.' in a calm cool voice...but then was just like what? did I just tell my baby to be quiet? No I wasnt yelling or sounding angry...but really? Thats kinda weird. He only fussed for about 10 seconds anyways. I guess you just act funny when you are sleep deprived.
I think the reason for this blog post is though, because of a website I had joined while I was pregnant called cafemom. I see a lot of posts from women in there about how they are feeling who have tiny babies....and the topic of post pardum depression is a valid one. Honestly, with my history of depression, I thought for sure I might end up getting it before I had my baby. But...I don't. I think of myself as being lucky in that. A lot of women do though. Where they are depressed for days and weeks on end. Having horrible thoughts about their baby (and i'm not just talking about some flash thought through your head that you instantly feel bad for thinking...that only happened once or something like that---as in the post I had just read) I'm talking real I just don't like my baby at all thoughts. Not being able to enjoy anything going on.
But, what seems crazy to me, is how if anyone writes a post about how they are tired and havn't slept, and are cranky, and are feeling momentarily depressed because of sleep depervation, and just ranting about wanting to sleep or wanting baby to stop crying or whatever they are bothered by at the moment....that everyone else seems to jump at diagnosing someone with post pardum depression. I swear that if some of my blog ended up on there, I would have people telling me to make a doctors appointment to discuss depression. And, as much as some stuff kind of drives me crazy in my life right now....mostly the food allergy stuff that I just want to know about...I know I'm not depressed. I'm just tired.
Being in a stressed out state though....if someone had told me they thought I was depressed when I had happened to be in one of my two mini meltdowns....I think it would have made me crazier in that moment of time....thinking that then there was something medically wrong with me...and I probably would have tried to second guess all of my emotions and tried to find out if they were valid or not.
It seems to me, that most every mother out there has times once and a while where they have mini meltdowns. So, if this little mini meltdowns are so common....why is everyone pointing out post pardum depression...instead of just sharing 'yea...we have ALL been there...it will pass...it will be ok...your doing a great job'

not ready

I'm not ready to give up, but, I also think that I'm not ready to go forward for that much longer. Oh yea...and I'm talking about the breast milk here...lol.

So really, tonight I was in the kitchen, thinking about some foods that I miss...and thinking about what to eat...and was kind of having a back and forth in my head.

Should I eat peanut butter and jelly? Well, I have not eaten peanut butter in a few days...why not just cut it out completely? Theres another food to check off the list! So...I didn't make peanut butter and jelly. (I grabbed some frozen meat, and stuck it on the counter to thaw).

I have cut out tree nuts (the only tree nuts I had to begin with, were somehow included in my breathing medicine). Dairy has been out since forever it seems. Soy has been gone for a quite a while. Eggs almost just as long as the dairy has been. I only cut out corn for I think maybe 3 or 4 days...before I relized that he was not allergic to the Neocate Junior. But...in thinking about how corn is a common allergy...I just emailed Neocate to ask if it had 'corn protein' (if thats what one is allergic to in corn) in it or not. If its supposed to be ok for babies with corn allergies...I'm going to cut it out again. (minus the dairy free soy free butter....as its less than 2% corn oil in there).

What I am having such an issue with, it turns out, is tomatoes. And I really don't know of all things why that is. Maybe because with slowly limiting myself...each remaining food becomes increasingly more important. Maybe because its my last condiment? lol

I love spaggetti...I love ketchup. Those are the only two things I use tomatoes for. I can't even stand to eat them cold. But I honestly dread all of this other stuff not working...and having to take that step to cut out tomatoes. Cutting out wheat and all gluten would be a TON easier at the moment.

I am also still terribly confused about this little 'experiment' yesterday. I gave him mostly breast milk yesterday...and he had diarrhea three times yesterday, and twice today. The mucus was gone...but it was a lot of liquid. I went and looked up more info on lactase enzymes and side effects...and a side effect could be constipation...the total opposite...so maybe he had a little bug at the same time?

Ah this is so FRUSTRATING! Maybe this...maybe that...I just want to KNOW. Maybe his body needs a readjustment period to breast milk...maybe THATS the problem now. I feel like I have tried everything...adjusting my diet....worrying....and doing so much to still be giving him formula most of the time. I sit, and pump, and then don't know what to do with the milk. I have so much frozen milk that he is allergic to. Do I just keep marking and freezing?

I don't know if I am willing to take this as far as it may need to go...either. I saw a woman post on cafemom, that a friend or relative or something of hers, went months only consuming chicken and water. I don't think I can take it there....and I feel guilty for it....and just keep thinking that MAYBE...its only really one tiny little thing thats going on...maybe not allergic to things like dairy at all. Or, maybe I'm just starting to go into denial.

Maybe..maybe..maybe..

Experiment day

Today was the day, after doing some research, and (let me add I am doing this completely on my own without a doctor's ok) I started with these lactase enzyme drops I got off of amazon. It was my thinking, that since I had issues with lactose as a baby, that it could be the issue. The nutritionist said she didn't think it would be the case....because its so unheard of. My thought on the matter is...is it really as unheard of as we think it is? Maybe its unheard of to have NO lactase enzyme while you are a baby...and be 100% lactose intolerent...but I don't know how its too much to think that he just doesn't have enough of them. Doing more reading...you can also see its pretty common for babies to not have enough of the enzyme if they had been sick or something too. Being allergic to foods as well, this could have irritated his system too. And...we already KNOW he is not like other babies. What other baby is allergic to Infant Neocate? (Thinking its such an allergy to soy...that he can't even tollerate soy that has no soy protein in it).

So...diaper time.

I had been waiting all day for a dirty diaper (haha...oh the things that change when you become a mom). And...no improvement at all...so far. So, at the moment it is looking like I was wrong here. (although...i think there has been less gas today). Mostly mucus still...tiny flecks on blood...both of these things that go away when I use the Neocate Junior.

So...we will see what happens here I guess!

Its a good thing

A VERY good thing...that a) I didn't give up and start eating soy or dairy b) my crazy and risky and painful attempt (although successful) to cut back on my oversupply didn't render me milk-less and c) I didn't just scrap the whole breast milk thing even though it wasn't working anymore....because although he is still allergic to something (or just lactose intolerent) he needs to be able to eat something.

Last month, with in Infant Neocate, the pharmacy I took it to said insurance was not going to cover it, even though they had a prior authorization for it. I think it was just the pharmacy screwing up...so this time I had the Neocate Junior perscription sent to a different place. I called them to check the status, and they told me they were waiting on another prior authorization, with, I guess, wanting a more accurate number of how many ounces he would be eating. I called the GI office to help speed it along...and was kind of half hung up on. No assurances were made. I only have enough of this formula left for one more feeding...and thats only because I have been giving him half breast milk the last few days.

Only problems now, are I don't think that I am producing enough milk, daily, to feed him. If he was still having 4 ounces in a feeding I would be ok...but hes having 6.

I just really hope that everyone does what they are supposed to now...

The Culprit...

That right there...is a phone jack. And not any old phone jack...an ugly phone jack. It used to be covered up by, what else, a phone. But, I took the phone out of the basement (which, is now my room) because 1) No-one is going to be calling my mother's phone, for me, since I moved out of here ten years ago and have had the same cell number ever since and 2) It was loud...lol.

It is located on the wall right behind my bed...right next to my head (my hair even gets caught in it sometimes...its wonderful).

But to Cole...this phone jack...is the most amazing and interesting thing in the world...and he has started to make his opinions known.

The other day, while as usual this past week...Cole was sitting on my stomach and looking at the phone jack next to my head instead of me...I decide I'll give him a closer look. I move his face about 6 inches away from it and he gets all smiles. My sister comes down to see him...so...I move him back to face her...and tell her about the phone jack thing. She starts playing with it and pointing at it and he starts laughing and smiling. My sister and I then start talking...and I move him into a different position. He starting yelling at me...and getting really fussy. I joke that its because he wants to look at the phone jack...put it in his view...and he starts smiling again. After about a minute I adjust again...and he starts crying. Put him in view on the phone jack...smiling. Still not believing it could REALLY be the phone jack...I move him again five minutes later...and sure enough...yep...phone jack. Silly baby.

And just today...I think he got a girlfriend. Her name is Clock. He shy smiles at the clock. (Looks at it...starts to get a HUGE smile on his face...but is kinda shy about it...and turns his head the other way to hid it..and then looks back...lol). Oh that clock...hes in love....lol.

Award!

Yay! So, I got an award...I'm going places!!! hehe
From Mama Kalila---The not quite hippy, hippy mom

(here is another link to her new wordpress blog)

She actually inspired me to make my switch to blogspot in the first place. I had first blogged 5 years ago on msn spaces, and met some cool people (it had a feature to see the last 5 updated blogs...and some other cool features that were gone when I went back to it). Then, I started a blog at live journal, and it ended up all being about domestic violence...and was really more of a diary of my experience and my feelings..than a blog. Seeing her post her blog to her newsfeed on facebook, I decided to go ahead and make the switch over here!

So...the rules are to tag 10 people, and to make a speech about where you see yourself to be in 10 years.

In 10 years...I hope I am no longer in my mom's basement...lol. I hope to again be financially stable enough, that I am able to support Cole and myself on our own, with no need for government assistance (and with that, goes for finding a working manageable cure for my autoimmune disease...so I am ABLE to work). Even though I want to be financially stable myself for Cole, I still do hope that at some point, I do find a wonderful, caring, dorky man (lol), to fall in love with....because I really don't want to be 35 and still single...haha...and being married is the only way for more children...which I will want someday! So...I guess this is a lot of hopes instead of predictions...as my life is still kinda up in the air...hehe

Now, I only have two people to tag! (I'm breaking the rules!!) lol

Living Horowitzly
The Crystal Clan

mini meltdown day...part 2...(arg...)

I have just been thinking...all day long...more and more about Cole's nutrition. Doing more reading, directly from the Neocate website. This Neocate Junior looks great, like something I would use for Cole, if he needed it at the correct age (they also have splash, or one + which looks more like something else I would use first maybe). I think they use the Junior a lot for children who have some really serious conditions going on, sometimes through a GI tube, and for some children with other conditions that make is so they really can't eat ANY food.

I hope Cole doesn't turn out to be like that. I think hes just a baby with a food allergy...and I just can't find it yet. I mean...hes gaining weight like no-ones business. To me, he is a perfectly healthy little boy, minus the tummy hurting, mucus and blood diaper, reflux issues.

But, today, 24 hours after starting him on the Neocate Junior, he still hadn't had a dirty diaper. He was obviously not so happy about that. He was straining for hours. During this time, I called up the doctor's office. I wanted to ask a general question.

What can you give or do for a 2 month old baby who is constipated?

I thought the question was pretty basic. I look online for things, which are helpful..but a lot of suggestions seem to be for babies over the 4 month mark or the 'started on solid foods already' mark. In one place, I saw juice or karo syrup for a baby at least 2 months old. In my ignorance...I have no idea what karo syrup is, or what it does, besides, well, help you from being constipated. I didn't want to give any juice to him, unless the doctor said it was ok. But, since the formula switch was at the GI office, they wanted me to talk to them. I didn't get a call back though, until the GI office was closed...and i dread calling that office...and relaying everything through reception. and what I REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted to know about today (and broke down about) was about his nutrition on the Neocate Junior if it was gonna work for him.

The whole, formulated for older children part...the lacking DHA ARA part...the can I or should I give him vitamins from the pharmacy part. I feel like there is NO-ONE I can ask about this part...unless...they work in family or pediatric medicine...and are sitting in front of both containers of the formula...comparing...and telling me exactly of how much of which vitamin he needs each day.

But, luckily, he went to the bathroom. 3 times since then. But, what do I find? The same thing I had seen, from my breastmilk, before ever even starting on the Infant Neocate. Dark mucus, with some blood. Not a lot...not a ton...but its there. But, hes not as gassy.

So, here it all goes. I'm not taking my medicine after this can is gone. I'm not taking the new asthma medication (its not for those with a nut allergy...i don't have one...but who knows if he does)...unless I get back to the admit to the hospital point again (which may very well happen). I'm only taking my synthroid....and whatever else I deem OK to take while breastfeeding (with consulting kellymom). I am cutting out Dairy, Eggs, Corn, Tomatoes, Eggs...ok maybe I should just say what I AM going to eat. Meat, Rice, all fruit, most veggies, dairy free/soy free bread. Hopefully, then there will be no issue. If there is...I'll cut out citrus. If there still is...I will go gluten free. If he is ok on my diet.....I am going to add in 1 thing at a time...very slowly. If my health goes down hill...I'm still going to keep trying to find a formula that he can tolerate...because I need a backup (especially after my white count came back way too high the other day).

And again, I say, I thought feeding your baby would be the easy part.

mini meltdown day

So..there was the car accident on Friday...then Cole not doing so well with the infant Neocate, and stopping it on Saturday. So, of course, when I took him off of it, I had to give him something to eat! I pulled out some frozen breast milk (the most recent, hoping it had the least amount of whatever he would be allergic to), and promptly stopped all of my medicine, so I could give him some fresh stuff, which would have even LESS allergens in it since I still haven't eaten any dairy or soy.

Oh, the joys of baby poop.

The problems began with breastfed, green poop, with dark mucus, and some blood. So, the switch to formula caused what can be considered normal looking (sometimes just green liquid though...not good)...BUT NOT normal smelling (like ammonia or something) that was giving him this HORRIBLE HORRIBLE rash (along with the urine). So, when I recently switched him back to breast milk again, it changed to a good color (yellow/brown) but...was ONLY mucus. I'm sitting around again thinking...whhattt is he allergic to poor baby....what can I feed my baby to make him ok? He also started to get some painful gas again. (But now I'm also wondering, per a fellow cafemomer's blog, if it had to do with the vaccines he got on friday??)

So, on Tuesday (because of the long weekend) when I called the pediatric GI office, and told them that I took him off of the Infant Neocate, and what happened when I switched back, they said they were going to send me Neocate Junior. (Normally, for children over the age of one). I was kinda worried about that just in general, but didn't really feel like there was any other option...I mean...allergic to the hypoallergenic formula? Its crazy. And the Neocate Junior has NO soy. (Infant Neocate has a little soy, but not soy protein..so..don't know how that works anyways either). They said they were going to overnight it.

So, this morning, after having a diaper of straight, slimy mucus that came OUT of the diaper and onto the bed....and as I am in the process of changing my sheets...theres a knock on the door. I go and see a package there...its the formula! I open it up. Its Neocate Junior...CHOCOLATE flavored. I about died.

I called up peds GI right away...in tears. I had gotten my hopes up so quickly, and then dashed so quickly. I told them, I can't give my 2 month old something chocolate flavored. They agreed. When I kept being put on hold, I was looking at the can...the thing even expired in May.

So, I had my mini melt down. My 'what can I feed my baby so he is ok' melt down. Then drove 20 minutes to the hospital (still scared of driving) to illegally park with my flashers on...run inside, get the unflavored stuff (and drop off the chocolate per their request...even though it was expired...)...and head home.

I compare the ingredients between the two (luckily, too...the junior does not smell like rotten potatoes). I am still kinda worried about the whole junior being for toddlers part though. Heres the deal. Junior is made, to have 30 calories per ounce...as it is for children that don't get to switch over to soy milk or cows milk at around age one (and, assuming, not breast milk either) (In my limited formula knowledge, most formula is 20 calories per ounce, and for some babies, 22 calories). It also has directions, to mix it to make 20 calories an ounce, only under doctor's orders. Well, I am under doctors orders, so its what I'm doing. But, diluting it more, doesn't that mean hes getting even less vitamins that he needs? I have seen infant liquid supplements in the store...do I need those now? Or will that not only make up for the vitamin difference, but go overboard and hurt him? If I ask his normal docs office, they will have me ask the GI office...if I call the GI office, I dont know if I will be able to ask anyone but the receptionist. (why they have her go back and forth all the time instead of just connecting the call is beyond me.) But, I'm gonna figure it out.

Seriously...I thought the whole feeding baby part would be easy.

lol!

Nursing pads....I think most lactating women use them (and there is probably a debate about cloth vs disposible here too I just haven't heard yet lol). So, when I was pregnant, the first ones I saw were the Johnson's ones...so..thats what I ended up using.

Well, yesterday, I took Cole into the pool! I dont have a suit I can fit into yet, so I was in my clothes. Didn't think to take the pads out. Did you know that these things burst when they hold too much water and get you covered in gel?? hahaha

What a week...

This week has been crazy, with ups and downs.

Yesterday, Cole and I were in a car accident...in which my car was totaled. I am told, that I ran the stop sign (I was so shaken up I couldn't remember what happened) and hit a car in the intersection. The woman behind me kept saying she knew an accident was going to happen there...because you can't see the stop sign until its too late. We went back to check after we both got discharged from the hospital, and no...you cannot see the stop sign until you are right on top of it. Its crazy.

Cole's only 'injury' was the little mirror I had in the back so I could see him out of the rear view. If I use it again, I'm sticking duct tape on the back of it so it doesn't come off. He doesn't have a single scratch on him though!

I got cut up a bit, and bruised up kinda bad...mostly from the seat belt and the airbags.

It was crazy...because the day was spent doing Cole's 2 month check up, and getting his shots...and then me getting some lab work done at the hospital (and I crashed about 2 blocks away from the hospital).

The woman driving the other car was taken in an ambulance as well...but she was discharged before we even were...which is good! Her airbags didn't go off (probably would have been worse if they had).

Part of Cole's appointment yesterday, was taking another look at his rash on his butt. About a week ago, we were told it was thrush and he was given a medicated cream for it. Two days ago, it was almost completely gone. But then it came back even worse. I mean..that whole area has open skin and is raw...up under his scrotum and ON his scrotum. Poor baby! It hurts when he goes to the bathroom....and the smell of his urine and his dirty diapers is horrible since this switch to the neocate. He also, today, after a week on the stuff (and has been having diahrea which he never had before either), had his most mucousy stool yet.

So, I said thats it. Enough. NO MORE NEOCATE. He reacts worse to the hypoallergenic formula than he did the breast milk. My mom was thinking, maybe its corn! I think it might be. And the neocate has a lot of corn solids in it. But, I can't give him my breast milk yet either....I'm on steroids for this bronchitis/pneumonia stuff.

Its just crazy. I don't know what to feed my baby:(

Some of the ups, are that when he is not hurting...he is so happy! He is smiling like crazy! Talking up a storm! Like really, having full on conversations...multiple syllables. Its very cool. Now if we can just get all the other problems fixed..he will be a super happy baby:)

are you serious?

Saw some stuff today thanks to Sarah that really kinda made me shake my head, when it comes to childbirth. Not only are some places telling their patients they are not allowed to have Douala's (which is bad enough) but they are even going so far as to not let women make their own birth plan, and "providing one for them". Some places having the pregnant mother sign a sheet of paper stating that, and basically giving up all of your rights in the process.

Who are these doctors who think they know so much more than a woman's body? Humans have been around quite a while, and it is only recently that giving birth has become a medical procedure. They even talked about needing to assess the baby first before the mother holding him/her!

Now, I didn't even really take any childbirth classes. My mom came with me to an express one, but I ended up leaving. It was, of course, couple oriented and I got pretty depressed. (even had a nice nurse offer to give me a one on one...but I lost her phone number). Either way, I had a birth plan in mind. It was not to be hooked up to things if i didn't need to be. No IV unless I needed medicine. Try to do natural, but if I couldn't handle it, then not to beat myself up about it. (I probably would have been really into the whole natural thing if I had a supportive s/o..but..things are what they are.) I did not want needless internal monitoring...or being induced just because I was 39 weeks. No getting cut. I think most important, I DID NOT want a C-section.

But, things do not always go as planned. I was initially sent over to the hospital, 11 days after my due date, because of high blood pressure. I was in labor, but only the very early stages. Only 1 1/2 cm and 70% effaced. I come to find out that the stuff coming out of me the last 7 hours, was indeed amniotic fluid. After 2 hours of being hooked up to fetal monitoring...I told them no more. I got away with that until they wanted to put cervidil in because I hadn't made any progress. With meds comes monitoring the baby. I understood that. The next morning, when there was STILL no progress. I was at that over 24 hour after the water breaks point, where they could do a c-section. I didn't want to. So, the other option, since my body obviously at that point wasn't going to do it (the contractions, little they were, actually stopped overnight), was to go the pitocin route. Pitocin, kind of kicks your contractions into the kind of contractions you should be having at 8 or 9 cm...pretty quick. (got up to 2 minutes apart after about 2 hours on pitocin). Contractions starting every 2 minutes, lasting a minute, a little recovery, about 3-5 seconds worth of being able to actually speak...and then back in again. If this was normal progression, you would suspect after having contractions like these...it would be any time now that its time to push the baby out. I was not so lucky...and after 3 hours of contractions like this, I couldn't take it anymore...and went for the epidural....so, about 5 hours after the pitocin started. But, I was only dilated to 4cm. A nurse actually had the audacity to state publicly that I was not even in labor yet...since...I was only 4cm. I wanted to jump off of that birthing ball and slap her..but..labor pains held me back.
After I got the epidural, I could breath. And the contractions kept going, and they kept trying to figure them out with the pitocin to make them the exact way they wanted them too. It kinda felt like tuning an old radio dial to find the right frequency (not that I ever owned an old radio...haha). At one point, the contractions were so close together, they were coming on top of each other...and it dropped his heart rate. I was terrified from then on. But, I still was not making any progress...hours later. It came to a point at about 14 hours after I started the pitocin, that we were gonna have to make a choice. I could keep going...or get a c-section...as failure to progress. I REALLY did not want a c-section. So, monitoring of me and him went into overdrive. They wanted to do an internal monitor, both to make sure his heart beat was ok, and to be able to REALLY determine the strength of the contractions. I was ok with that at this point. And then, luckily, I went to 8cm and 100% effaced. Then 10cm. But, he still wouldn't drop now...so it was onto another problem. I still held off, and luckily he dropped enough for me to try to start pushing. What I didn't know is that he was posterior. It seemed the doctors didn't know that either, until I was able to push him out in one push (after 3 hours of pushing)...and he flipped over at the same time. The look of shock on my OB's face said it all...it was something rare...lol. I was able to push him out like that, only because of his heart beat disappearing, when it was connected directly too him. No-one could sugar coat that he just fell off the monitor or something. I knew I needed him out of there.

So, I did get to avoid things like forceps, vacuums, being cut instead of tearing (I did tear, two places, but only needed 2 stitches for one, and one for the other. ) I didn't get a c-section. (And both my OB and the resident in the room..who were wonderful, laughed and told me afterwords they were SURE I was going to get a c-section...they didn't think it was gonna happen...lol).

If I had ended up at one of these places, that makes you go by THEIR birth plan....there is no way they would have let someone go 47 hours past their water breaking. I would have gotten a c-section the day before he was born. I wouldn't have been able to have a say in the matter...and knowing my health issues and the way I get infections (4 since giving birth already)...and the slow way I heal....I would probably still be in a crazy amount of pain and having problems getting around had they done that. And Cole is great. The ONLY complications during birth, was his heartbeat disappearing by the vein being pressed on his head in the birth canal. And yea..that was scary...but he was OK. Apgars 8 and then 9...only for color. And STILL, the first place he was put after he was born? On top of me.

This has kind of turned into another birth story about Cole, but this stuff really got me thinking. How horrible would it be to be so out of control? What woman would want to be told what to do...and follow someone else's birth plan?

whats going on...

I mean really now...this is just getting crazy...and heartbreaking!

First its the reflux, and the colic associated with whatever hidden food allergy Cole has...and the issues with me taking a whole bunch of antibiotics...which has given him thrush not only in his mouth, but on his butt...and as i discovered today...also in OTHER sensitive diaper areas...

He is screaming while he pees. I change him right away of course...but he takes a while to calm down afterwords. I find if I really lather on the diaper rash cream it helps with the pain when he goes to the bathroom. But, there was another scare in this area today.

Cole has been eating just as much formula as he did breast milk...if not a little more today. But, from midnight until 4pm...he only had 3 wet diapers. I mean, hes the type of baby where as soon as you change his diaper he will pee just the tiniest bit. (and I only know what part by having the line change colors on the pampers...otherwise you wouldn't even know...lol).

But today..that was different. I didn't know if he could possibly be 'holding it' because it hurt in that area...or if something else was going on now. I called our doctor, and she said I should probably go into urgent care either tonight or tomorrow morning, because they could do a uranalisis and see if there was some type of infection. As SOON as I get off the phone...he pees. But, I decide to take him in anyways. He had a temp of 99.6 in the office...and while the doctor is in there pees again. She thinks the pain is just from the thrush that is already in the area....and not him actually GOING to the bathroom. Her explaination for the change in wet diapers was switching from the breast milk to the formula with no weaning inbetween.

If that IS the case...i really would have liked to hear this from the GI specialist before I did this. If I had known that...I wouldn't have started the antibiotics for another day so I could have had some pumped and in the fridge....The day I started them was really the first day in a long time I had no antibiotics left in my system...grabbing something frozen still has them in it.

So, its like a can't win here. At least when he got the blood in his diapers...he didn't seem to care. The gas he cared about...but this cry he has now is SOOO different. He is in so much pain from his diaper area, and his teeth coming in (wow...its getting sharp in there). The thrush in his mouth looks worse than it ever did before too.

And NOW he is losing his voice. I don't know if he has a sore throat from the thrush...or from an infection (I'm worried about the 99.6...but it went down to 97 with the infant tylenol...hes got a low normal temp just like his mama) or if its just from all of this intense crying he has done the last couple of days.

Its so hard to see him smiling and doing this cute little new laugh...and then BAM starts going to the bathroom and screaming...and when he does open his eyes while he is crying....he is looking at me like 'why won't you help me?!?!'

I'm trying hun...i'm trying...

still waiting...

...but bloody hell I'm going to give him this infants ibuprofen no matter what the doctor says!
All of a sudden, yesterday, Cole's butt looked kind of red. I thought, oh no, consequences of him getting a good nights sleep in...a lapse in a diaper change...he got a diaper rash. He has had some tiny little diaper rashes before and they never seemed to cause him any pain. But, his butt just looked red...not bumpy like the diaper rash. Honestly, didn't look that bad. So, as he normally does, the little nudist he is, he gets really happy when hes naked for 10 seconds. I got the wipe...and BAM...HUGE CRY. This red area really hurt him. So...i grabbed the diaper rash cream and put it on there....he was ok in about 3 minutes but wow. His next diaper change...the crying was more intense and lasted longer. It hurt him! Luckily, for the next 10 hours he only had wet diapers and not dirty ones...but i kept putting the cream on. He had a follow up appointment today....and I guess the thrush he had in his mouth...is now...on his butt. THAT is what is hurting him so bad. I gave him a diaper change around 230...and this scream...and this cry...and his face...omg...its the worst thing i have ever seen. It hurts him SO BAD. And I had to rub this creme on him, to help make it better...I'm sure that didn't help.
So, when I had picked up this medicine, I looked for an infants Tylenol in the off brand...didn't see one...only children's...but saw an infants ibuprofen. So, I grabbed it. He meets the weight requirements on the box, but not the age requirements. I called about an hour ago now to see if it was ok to give it to him because hes hurting...they were gonna check and get back to me. (I swear....I LOVE LOVE LOVE the doctor...the office not so much...)
I cannot listen to that scream and crying and see his face like that ever again. I just can't. Its too heartbreaking. This is about 100 times worse than the crying from the insane amount of gas he was having. I'm going to have to give him this stuff either way before I clean him up after a dirty diaper...because it just hurts him too bad...

strange dream

Completely random, but I needed to share this really strange dream I just had...as already bits and pieces of it are fading away.

Darrell being in it was strange enough. I don't even remember if Cole was in it, or if he even existed in this mini dream world....(I'm pretty sure he did). I also don't remember if Darrell was the abusive guy he is in real life in the dream either.

It started off with us both being in my mother's basement...where I am staying at the moment. I was trying to figure out what time it was. I had the computer open, and had a watch on (I never where a watch lol)...although...it really might have been a watch application on a phone...i dunno...not important. Either way, what was important, was the time. It was different. I was confused. And then, the time was different from the computer to the watch or phone. It kept jumping almost 2 hours ahead. It made me think there must have been some type of natural phenomenon going on somewhere. It was then, that I looked out the tiny window, and saw a strangely bright sky in the middle of the night. I walked upstairs to check it out at the same time Darrell was getting a phone call from his father he was contemplating ignoring. I asked him to grab some cigarettes, and he said no. (strange details huh? lol)
I walk outside of the front door and look at the sky. Its kind of like the moon has taken up somewhere between 1/8 to 1/6 of the sky...and its giving off this bluish glow. I could hear water, even though that would be really strange given the location of my mom's house. (But, as i found when i woke up, I had left my computer on right next to me with the sound on...making bubbling sounds and wave sounds from a facebook application lol). It was raining strangely...light rain with big drops. The wind had seriously picked up.
I went inside to try to figure out what was going on. Looking up in the sky felt ominous. It came out of no-where, and I didn't know if this as the end of the world. The television said it was a star. I didn't know if it was referring to a real star, or calling it a shooting star or some sort like an asteroid.

I remember a couple of months ago though, I read something about an asteroid or a comet that will be coming so close to earth, it should pass between the earth and the moon on its orbit in about 20 years. Although, I don't know why that would have popped into my head tonight.
That's all of the dream there was too...as Cole woke up about 40 minutes after I had first fallen asleep. Hmm...strange stuff.

Stopping doesn't mean giving up

It means I am TRYING something new.

I am going to try the neocate with Cole. This decision doesn't have much to do with my convenience at all...it would actually be MORE convenient for me to continue giving him breast milk. But, the past 24 hours told me that even though we have this issues with dairy and soy and eggs, the other issues we have are things like me being on my 4th round of antibiotics in 2 months. I was going to hold off and not take them....until my blood pressure went through the roof. Cole needs a mother who is alive right now more than breast milk.
And, even though I am giving him this formula...it doesn't mean I am going to continue to do so. Unless there is a crazy turn around thing happening in a week from now when I am finished with these antibiotics, then I am going to go back to giving him breast milk again.

mememe (and him..hehe)

This is a completely selfish about me blog post...lol. Which, I kind of feel guilty about. I feel like since I became a mom, of course, everything is about Cole. Even more so, because he has something going on. But I have put myself so far on the back burner, and I'm exausted.

Cole will be 2 months old on the 28th. Since he has been born...this is what has happened with ME.
Today, I was just prescribed my FOURTH round of antibiotics. First was for an infected tooth, then one round for broncitis...then again when it turned into pneumonia...and now again today, for a different infected tooth.
I have had 2 teeth pulled.
I have had a fibromyalgia flair.
I have had swelling so severe, my feet were in a toe pointed position that made it nearly impossible to walk. I still have pain trying to get on the ground.
I have gone back to being tired and worn out, even when I do get sleep.
My blood pressure keeps going through the roof, and when it does, my pulse rate drops.
I have been in cold sweats for 3 weeks, even without a fever.

On top of this, is the stress of trying to find out whats wrong with Cole. Just when I think 'maybe thats helping!' something else happens. Like, for example, I have really tried to tackle this oversupply issue in the last 24 hours. LLL advised that I try to discard the foremilk at the beginning, and, last night I only pumped one side at a time. Almost immediately, there was no spit up. Also, he normally has a dirty diaper at every feeding. He went about 8 hours without one (then of course had a huge one..lol). It looked different because of the barium in it from his GI study yesterday, but, it wasn't green, and I didn't see any mucus or blood in it. A couple hours later, he had a little one, and it looked good. I was so happy..he wasn't even cranky (besides being a little tired fussy)...it wasn't the 'ahhh my stomach hurts' cranky. I was thinking..'man...this might be what it is!!'. I take him upstairs to give him a bath...take off his diaper...and bam...its green liquid. Baby diahera. And I'm thinking..WHAT did i do now. What did I eat, that he didn't like. I had meat, potato, dairy free/soy free bread, ketchup, and 100% juice fruit punch, and mango juice. But if its a food allergy...can I take it to mean that he is reacting to the last meal I had? I mean, yesterday, he had the barium at 3pm. It was not until this morning where is started to show up coming out of him.

The other thing is...I could pick tomatoes to cut out...and then if I saw improvement...I wouldn't know if it was from the tomatoes, or the soy, or the dairy, or the oversupply thing being resolved. As soon as I have to cut one thing out...i start relying on the other foods more. (I mean, I can still make spagetti...and have it dairy/soy free. Its one of the 4 dinners I can still make for myself...lol...)

I'm really going to end up just eating chicken and rice....for the next year...aren't i? arrgg..