Jumble of things...

I'm going to start with this, because I need to get it off of my chest. I feel horrible about it. I didn't hear Cole crying, and he was right next to me. Now it has me second guessing all the other times I have woken up to him crying. I always thought, that he had just started. Now, knowing that he was crying for 5 minutes (so I was told) and I never woke up...I feel horrible. Here is what happened...

In the last 48 hours up until 8am yesterday, I had only slept for 45 minutes. Three separate times, of 15 minutes each. I would get tired enough that I just HAD to fall asleep...and would have him fed, and changed...and when I would lay down to sleep, he would wake up right away, or within 15 minutes. If I stayed up, he would get to sleep fine. It started to get easier to just stay awake, because having to wake up after 15 minutes was just unbearable. So, at 8am, after he was fed and changed...I went to sleep. My mom heard him crying, and came down and picked him up and fed him about 20 minutes later. Sometime around 11, I woke up to him crying and got his bottle, and my mom came down (and scared the crap outta me...haha)...and said she would feed him so I could get some more sleep. Took a little while for me to get back to sleep because I could hear him fussing...but...I did...until about 1 when he woke up again.

This is the thing. I'm a single mom, and choosing to do everything in my power to not have the other parent in the picture. Its not safe for him...at ALL! So, to me, that means I should be able to do everything for Cole, and accept help only as a luxury, and never a necessity. I need to be able to do it on my own.

I know that I would have woken up at some point. Its not like I would have continued to keep sleeping for much longer. And, I also know, that him crying because he was hungry, 20 minutes after he ate 4 ounces, he wasn't going to be in any danger, and he would have been perfectly ok if my mom had not been here. I also know that only getting 45 minutes of sleep in two days, plus having a fever and pneumonia...would take out the best of people.

I just don't like feeling like I might need someone else for help.